Loyal Blog Readers: Please Help Me Get Less Fat.

Posted on January 27, 2014 by Rob Pollak

Happy New Year!! Like the start of every other new year dating back to 2001, 2014 began with me making irrational commitments that I am unlikely to keep. This year, I resolved to blog every week, to eat healthy, to be a more positive person, to get back into shape and to once and for all stop asking for things from other people.

What’s that you say? “But, Rob. You’ve never asked for anything from us before, and I love your blog so much that I would be willing to do anything to get you to write more or get back into shape. And I do mean anything.”

Wow, you’re kind of a dirtbag, random internet reader, aren’t you? It appears that we are on the same page, and because I’ve never asked you for anything before (other than your unfailing loyalty, an occasional facebook share or retweet, parenting advice, and money) now seems like a perfect time to hit you up for even more money!

http://www.crowdrise.com/freshairfundnychalf2014/fundraiser/robpollak (Pretty much click any link on my blog for more info.)

Before I get to the nitty-gritty details of just what I need from you, here’s a quick update on the end of 2013 (none of which should be to surprising if you a) have the internet, b) have a phone, c) know me personally, d) are the NSA, or d) stalk me and my family in some other way : Anne and I welcomed our son Owen into the world on August 14th:

Much like Owen, who has been growing steadily since August, my waist line (not pictured above) has been climbing its way up the growth chart. That’s why I need your help!

In an effort to reclaim what I once had – a perfect greek statuesque physique – I have committed to the NYC Half Marathon in the name of charity. (Click here to donate!!)

Now, you may recall that I have made bold commitments like this in the past. Three times I registered for the NYC marathon, and three times I failed to run further than 3 miles while training. In each of those failed attempts, something was missing: Outside forces to make me feel shame and guilt if I fail in my challenge.

If you hadn’t let me down so badly in those past efforts, here’s what I might have looked like crossing the finish line of the famed NYC Marathon:

Instead, I made it through about 1/30th of my training schedule, and most of those efforts looked very very sad. Like this:

So in the name of charity, I am inviting you to be the physical embodiment of my shame. Your heckling and jeering during training should push me to the finish line. Because I know it will be nothing compared to the heckling you will spew upon me should I fail.

Picture it: Every morning when I wake up at 6 am to brave the elements and log my miles, I will be thinking of you. I will be counting my blessings that you were generous enough to give a little bit (a lot) of your hard-earned cash to me.

I mean, what could I possibly doing at 6 am other than going out for a run on a 9 degree day? Not sleeping, of course. It’s impossible to sleep with an infant at 6 am.

So thanks so much! (you dick…)

As always, each donation will earn you a valuable gift that I may or may not follow through on. (Probably not if we’re being honest with each other). In the spirit of the Olympics, you can achieve three levels:

Bronze Donor

– All donors who contribute any amount above $0 will receive a Rob Complains autographed drawing. It will look something like this (autographed not pictured to maintain claims of authenticity):

(That’s a door not a penis on the building, you sicko)

Silver Donor ($50 or more)

You will receive the entire bronze package PLUS:

– A phone call (or email if you’re scared to give me your digits) from me directly thanking you for your efforts. I will not be offended if you send me straight to voicemail, but I won’t try to call back. So, if you don’t answer, that’s really a win-win for everyone.

Platinum Donor (Contribute $100 or more)

You will receive the entire silver and bronze package PLUS:

– You may select the topic for one blog post that will appear on robcomplains.com within 4 weeks of your donation.

Holy S**t Donor Level (Contribute $500 or more)

– Wow. Just tell me what you want from me. It’s yours.

Welp, that’s all I’ve got to say. I guess I should mention that I’m running on behalf of the Fresh Air Fund, an organization that does good things for people.

And in case you missed the 17,000 links posted about, here’s one more link to where you can donate:

http://www.crowdrise.com/freshairfundnychalf2014/fundraiser/robpollak

Operation 80 to Baby.

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Rob Pollak

Although it would have been hilarious for me, a lot of people would have been angry if last week’s big announcement was an elaborate April Fool’s prank. Thankfully it wasn’t. Neither is the sympathy weight I’ve been packing on. That’s why yesterday, when I re-entered the world after a nice baby-free vacation, Anne and I launched our latest project. Operation 80 to Baby.

Operation 80 to Baby is an elaborate workout program that I developed to make sure that my future kid does not have a morbidly obese dad. Here’s how it works.

Step one: Make a chart.

Anne’s participating as well, but she’s stuck on step one. Her chart has to be all pretty. Mine is purely functional. I used construction paper and a blue pen.

Step 2: Write 80 numbers on the chart, one for each day that you plan to work out. I chose 80 because the baby is due in about 20 weeks. If I can work out an average of 4 days per week every week until the baby’s supposed to arrive, then I will have successfully created a habit that won’t go away post baby. When I was moping around saying to Anne, “Blah blah I’m so lazy Blah Blah,” she reminded me that it will probably be easier to start now and continue than it will be to restart from nothing in a few months. Point taken.

Step 3: Every time you work out, cross one of the numbers off. I like to do this in order, but you really don’t have to. Anne’s still trying to figure out what she should put on her chart. This morning she thought that taping 80 little pictures of babies would be “fun.” I told her it was creepy. But she didn’t hear me. So she won’t get mad that I said that until right now when she reads this.

WARNING – BLATANT PRODUCT PLUG ABOUT TO HAPPEN – WARNING:

For my first work out, I did a little yoga at home. Recently, YogaJack, a company that has developed a line of yoga products specifically targeted to manly men like myself, was kind enough to send me one of their mats to review.

As a man (and a particularly sweaty and chubby one), I can say that I’ve put this thing through the ringer. My initial impression was that I wanted it to be a little stickier. The more I use it, however, the better it gets. Apparently yoga mats have a weird sheen on them at the beginning that wears off over time. This one was no exception.

I don’t know what makes a yoga mat manly (but why would I? I don’t even know what makes a man manly), but here’s why I like this mat:

It’s long.
It’s thick.
It feels good in my hands.

Uh. Hm. Jeez. That really didn’t come out right, did it?

I do know one thing that made it manly. The mat clearly has a top and bottom. When I used it, I correctly placed the mat so that the “top” was facing up and the “bottom” was touching the dirty floor. Anne tried the mat, and she had it upside down. Women, right???

Final note, before I started using the YogaJack mat, I had a lululemon mat. In all fairness, this mat was “stickier” than the YogaJack mat, but it smelled like a plastic fart, which is not a smell that is nice when your face is literally pressed against the mat. I’ll take care of making a mat smell like death in my own time, I don’t need it to start out that way. But not only does the lululemon mat smell like fart, it also sounds like fart if it gets wet and your skin touches it at all. So basically, if you use the lululemon mat, everyone will just think you’re ripping away, and they’ll believe it too because it will smell like that.

Step 4: Share your plan with the internet. Let them hold you accountable when you slack off. When you see me, if it looks like I’ve gained 80 lbs of sympathy weight, remember that’s not how the plan works. Feel free to poke my belly. If I laugh like a doughboy, the plan’s not working.

Step 5: six-pack abs.

And that’s it. If you’re interested in a personalized plan for yourself, please email me. How much would you guess such a plan would cost? 10,000 dollars? One million dollars? No dollars? Oh no, you can have a plan of your own for just $199.99. That’s right. For just $199.99, a mildly successful blogger will create a plan exclusively for you. You can pick the color of the construction paper and the color of the pen to match all of your fitness needs. But wait, there’s more.

I couldn’t think of anything to offer for the more part, so forget I said it, okay?

With just a little bit of work, this could be you in 80 days:

An Interview with me about running

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Rob Pollak

My friends at Hot Bird Running asked me to be the featured runner in their weekly “Interview with a runner” series. Apparently every other runner in the world was too busy, so I agreed to do the interview. If you found me through the Hot Birds, then check out my facebook page while you’re here.

Please note – this is not a humble brag. It’s a 100% blatant brag tinged with self-deprecating humor.

If you enjoy the things that I do here (like hysterical commentary, hilarious stick figure drawings, and hackneyed charts and graphs), then you will like this interview.

Here’s a sneak preview:

I promise that if you click the link you won’t be disappointed. Or you’ll be mildly disappointed. Or completely disappointed. How should I know what kind of shitty mood you’re in today.

Please note that I linked to the interview about 50 times. But if you’re a moron and missed those embedded links, here’s a more obvious version, idiot:

http://www.hotbirdrunning.com/blog/2013/3/21/interview-with-a-runner.html

A breakdown of how to spend your time at the gym

Image

How to be cool

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Rob Pollak

How to be cool (Reposted from Elephant Journal)

I just want to be cool.

That emotional craving guided my life for many years. Only recently did I learn the truth. For all those years, I was doing it wrong. The desire to be cool was actually the thing making me uncool.

Yoga changed that. Through the practice of yoga, I learned that most people—including this guy—do the opposite of what we really want to do. Okay, you caught me. Maybe I’m giving too much credit to yoga. I first learned it from an episode of Seinfeld (My name is George, I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents), but it sunk in when I started to practice yoga.

Let me break it down with an example.

While on this quest for coolness, I imagined what a cool person would do if confronted with my specific situation. Like if I was at a wedding and the photographer said, “do something crazy!” I’d think really hard about how to look cool while “going crazy,” hemming and hawing between options: Should I give the West Coast Rap Sign or the Backwards Peace Sign? Do those U.S. Weekly people really say “prune” right before a picture? Is my left or right side the less pudgy one? If I jump in the air, will everyone jump higher than I do? Won’t that look lame?

It’s impossible to look cool after that much thought. The end result was photos like this:

Who looks like the asshole in the second picture? The people jumping up and down, making stupid faces? Or the one schmuck with his shoulders scrunched up to his ears and his hands in his pockets?

In other words, I tried to look cool by not looking uncool, a strategy which actually made me look the least cool of all. Those who did whatever they wanted looked the best. But why? Rumi said it best:

“When you do things from your soul, other people totally dig that shit.”

When we do things to protect ourselves, we wind up with the exact consequences we tried to avoid in the first place.

Don’t believe me?

Did you ever procrastinate because you didn’t want to screw a project up? Then at the last minute, you were forced to half-ass it just to get it done on time? And the work wasn’t your best? So something got screwed up? And you were all, “Whatever dude, I didn’t put in a full effort anyway.” That’s what I’m talking about.

What is it about yoga that made me realize I was doing it wrong? For one thing, when I first tried yoga, I immediately felt like an outlier. And not in the Malcolm Gladwell, you’re going to do 10,000 hours of hard work and end up as the best yogi of all time, outlier kind of way. More in the Ugly Duckling way. I was the sweatiest, chubbiest, manliest, hairiest, stiffest, anxious-est person in the room, and I was convinced that everyone was looking at me and judging me.

That self-image was a lot of baggage to take into the yoga room, and I struggled to feel comfortable in my skin—my sweaty pale skin. But after awhile, I just stopped caring. I can’t pinpoint exactly when or how it happened, but it absolutely happened.

One day, I no longer cared that a small puddle of sweat would start to accumulate in front of my mat and forge a stream towards my neighbors mat. Instead, I started to see that disgusting sweat river as a sign of triumph, and root for it to infiltrate her $110 Lululemon pants. Actually, that’s a terrible example. Sweat rivers are disgusting.

Regardless, yoga taught me how to be aware of my emotions, creating a mindset that carried off the yoga mat and bled into the rest of my life. I started to care less about what you assholes think of me. And once I stopped caring what other people think, I became the coolest guy in the whole world, unafraid to take pictures like this: