Loyal Blog Readers: Please Help Me Get Less Fat.

Posted on January 27, 2014 by Rob Pollak

Happy New Year!! Like the start of every other new year dating back to 2001, 2014 began with me making irrational commitments that I am unlikely to keep. This year, I resolved to blog every week, to eat healthy, to be a more positive person, to get back into shape and to once and for all stop asking for things from other people.

What’s that you say? “But, Rob. You’ve never asked for anything from us before, and I love your blog so much that I would be willing to do anything to get you to write more or get back into shape. And I do mean anything.”

Wow, you’re kind of a dirtbag, random internet reader, aren’t you? It appears that we are on the same page, and because I’ve never asked you for anything before (other than your unfailing loyalty, an occasional facebook share or retweet, parenting advice, and money) now seems like a perfect time to hit you up for even more money!

http://www.crowdrise.com/freshairfundnychalf2014/fundraiser/robpollak (Pretty much click any link on my blog for more info.)

Before I get to the nitty-gritty details of just what I need from you, here’s a quick update on the end of 2013 (none of which should be to surprising if you a) have the internet, b) have a phone, c) know me personally, d) are the NSA, or d) stalk me and my family in some other way : Anne and I welcomed our son Owen into the world on August 14th:

Much like Owen, who has been growing steadily since August, my waist line (not pictured above) has been climbing its way up the growth chart. That’s why I need your help!

In an effort to reclaim what I once had – a perfect greek statuesque physique – I have committed to the NYC Half Marathon in the name of charity. (Click here to donate!!)

Now, you may recall that I have made bold commitments like this in the past. Three times I registered for the NYC marathon, and three times I failed to run further than 3 miles while training. In each of those failed attempts, something was missing: Outside forces to make me feel shame and guilt if I fail in my challenge.

If you hadn’t let me down so badly in those past efforts, here’s what I might have looked like crossing the finish line of the famed NYC Marathon:

Instead, I made it through about 1/30th of my training schedule, and most of those efforts looked very very sad. Like this:

So in the name of charity, I am inviting you to be the physical embodiment of my shame. Your heckling and jeering during training should push me to the finish line. Because I know it will be nothing compared to the heckling you will spew upon me should I fail.

Picture it: Every morning when I wake up at 6 am to brave the elements and log my miles, I will be thinking of you. I will be counting my blessings that you were generous enough to give a little bit (a lot) of your hard-earned cash to me.

I mean, what could I possibly doing at 6 am other than going out for a run on a 9 degree day? Not sleeping, of course. It’s impossible to sleep with an infant at 6 am.

So thanks so much! (you dick…)

As always, each donation will earn you a valuable gift that I may or may not follow through on. (Probably not if we’re being honest with each other). In the spirit of the Olympics, you can achieve three levels:

Bronze Donor

– All donors who contribute any amount above $0 will receive a Rob Complains autographed drawing. It will look something like this (autographed not pictured to maintain claims of authenticity):

(That’s a door not a penis on the building, you sicko)

Silver Donor ($50 or more)

You will receive the entire bronze package PLUS:

– A phone call (or email if you’re scared to give me your digits) from me directly thanking you for your efforts. I will not be offended if you send me straight to voicemail, but I won’t try to call back. So, if you don’t answer, that’s really a win-win for everyone.

Platinum Donor (Contribute $100 or more)

You will receive the entire silver and bronze package PLUS:

– You may select the topic for one blog post that will appear on robcomplains.com within 4 weeks of your donation.

Holy S**t Donor Level (Contribute $500 or more)

– Wow. Just tell me what you want from me. It’s yours.

Welp, that’s all I’ve got to say. I guess I should mention that I’m running on behalf of the Fresh Air Fund, an organization that does good things for people.

And in case you missed the 17,000 links posted about, here’s one more link to where you can donate:

http://www.crowdrise.com/freshairfundnychalf2014/fundraiser/robpollak

My irrational fears about imminent parenthood

Posted on August 1, 2013 by Rob Pollak

I haven’t written in a while because I am consumed with irrational fears about parenthood. For instance, every day for the last 18 days, I have started the day by asking Anne if she’s in labor. She never is.

Anne promises that she’ll tell me as soon as she knows, but I’m worried that she’ll keep it to herself for a few minutes because she’s not sure if it’s really happening. Then, during those minutes, the baby will come out, and grow up, learn the violin, go off to college, get an amazing job, win the masters, become disgustingly rich, and not give me any of the money because I missed it all. If Anne just had the decency to tell me that she was in labor, then I’d be driving a Benz right now.

See what I mean? Totally irrational (but kind of legitimate, right?). Also, as I played out that scenario in my head, I totally pictured the kid as a girl. Does that mean it’s a girl? That’s not a super scientific way of figuring out gender, but is it accurate? 60% of the baby pool responses say no.

While I’m at it, here’s a summary of the responses:

Birthdate: Responses ranged from 8/3/13 (gasp!) to 9/1/13 (Insert Anne gasp here). The most popular response was 8/20/13, two days late.

Baby weight: Responses ranged from 6 lbs 7 oz to 9 lbs 8oz., submitted by Kerry. Kerry, you obviously studied my baby pictures, but Anne thinks you’re a god damn motherfucking bitch right now. Ryan’s response of >19 lbs is disqualified for public health and safety reasons.

Will Rob pass out? More than 50% of responses say “no.” Love you guys.

You all think that I will maintain a healthy weight at the time of birth. Except for a few readers, who shall remain nameless. Like Robert Harms, the prick who said I would weight 201.4 lbs at birth and that dickhead, Ryan, who thinks I’ll balloon up to 265.

To no one’s surprise, way more of you like Anne better than you like me. Why don’t you follow her blog then? Exactly. Because she doesn’t have one. If she did, I’d like it more than this one too. Anne’s the best.

And finally, here are some of the best responses to the “Please use this space to provide any well wishes or parenting advice.”

“I hope your kid has massive balls, but only if it’s a boy.” – Guess who.

“You’ll be a great, overbearing and lovably obsessive father. Your child will grow up with numerous complexes created by you.”

“Don’t read a newspaper or write your blog whilst Anne is actually in labour.” I’m just including this one because of whilst. What a stupid word.

“Rob: Reminders: Good tempo, slow take away, head down, stay on plane and finish your swing. Wait, what was this about again? Good luck Anne!” – Someone who gets me.

“I don’t have kids, but my cat is ‘kind of’ a kid. I guess my advice is, keep it off the back of the sofa and teach it where to poop as early as possible.” – Weird cat lady.

“Your humor makes the work day bearable.” – Probably my “test” submission.

“Rob – Don’t be a jackass! Anne – You are awesome! ” – Anne’s dad.

“And just so you know, I like Anne better because something tells me she is tougher about this whole situation than you.” – Typical reader of my blog.

” Rob, don’t be a douche.”

“This poor, poor (Lucky!) child.”

“if you do the exact opposite of my parents, I may be able to guar.an.tee your kid will be at least 14 before smoking pot”

Those were actually real responses, not like the edited responses I gave in all of the interview with a parent blogs. It’s nothing compared to your pictures of how you think the baby will look:

Anyway, here are the things that are really freaking me out right now:

1 – I haven’t figured out how to install the car seat, nor do I believe that it’s something that’s possible to figure out.

2 – I haven’t assembled the crib or any other furniture in the nursery.

3 – I don’t know how to change a diaper.

4 – I am a little behind on sleep and keep thinking I’ll catch up on the weekend, but then I remember 100 things I forgot to do last weekend.

5 – I want to play a few more rounds of golf, which I do every weekend when I”m supposed to be doing all that other stuff.

6 – I’m scared of the animalistic sounds anne might make in the hospital. Special thanks to the reader that shared this terrifying video of what it’s going to be like:

7 – I’m scared of hospitals

8 – I dislike spit up tremendously

9 – I think the kid might look like me

10 – I think the kid might not look like me

11 – I think I might fuck up the spelling of the name, like the parents of baseball player jhonny peralta

12 – Anne and I moved into a new home and now I am obsessed with HGTV and I’m worried that Pinterest will be next. What do you think of these drapes, by the way?

Modern interior. 3D render. Living-room. Exclusive design.

An Interview with me about running

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Rob Pollak

My friends at Hot Bird Running asked me to be the featured runner in their weekly “Interview with a runner” series. Apparently every other runner in the world was too busy, so I agreed to do the interview. If you found me through the Hot Birds, then check out my facebook page while you’re here.

Please note – this is not a humble brag. It’s a 100% blatant brag tinged with self-deprecating humor.

If you enjoy the things that I do here (like hysterical commentary, hilarious stick figure drawings, and hackneyed charts and graphs), then you will like this interview.

Here’s a sneak preview:

I promise that if you click the link you won’t be disappointed. Or you’ll be mildly disappointed. Or completely disappointed. How should I know what kind of shitty mood you’re in today.

Please note that I linked to the interview about 50 times. But if you’re a moron and missed those embedded links, here’s a more obvious version, idiot:

http://www.hotbirdrunning.com/blog/2013/3/21/interview-with-a-runner.html

Yoga Flow(chart): What should you wear to yoga class?

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Rob Pollak

Given the recent lululemon controversy, a lot of yogis are confused about what they should wear to class. You may be surprised to learn that I’m an expert on yoga fashion, particularly see-through pants.

So I put together a flow chart to help guide you in picking the right attire for your next class: