Operation 80 to Baby.

Although it would have been hilarious for me, a lot of people would have been angry if last week’s big announcement was an elaborate April Fool’s prank.  Thankfully it wasn’t.  Neither is the sympathy weight I’ve been packing on.  That’s why yesterday, when I re-entered the world after a nice baby-free vacation, Anne and I launched our latest project.  Operation 80 to Baby.

Operation 80 to Baby is an elaborate workout program that I developed to make sure that my future kid does not have a morbidly obese dad.  Here’s how it works.

Step one:  Make a chart.

photo (17)

 

Anne’s participating as well, but she’s stuck on step one.  Her chart has to be all pretty.  Mine is purely functional.  I used construction paper and a blue pen.

Step 2:  Write 80 numbers on the chart, one for each day that you plan to work out.  I chose 80 because the baby is due in about 20 weeks.  If I can work out an average of 4 days per week every week until the baby’s supposed to arrive, then I will have successfully created a habit that won’t go away post baby.  When I was moping around saying to Anne, “Blah blah I’m so lazy Blah Blah,” she reminded me that it will probably be easier to start now and continue than it will be to restart from nothing in a few months.  Point taken.

Step 3:  Every time you work out, cross one of the numbers off.  I like to do this in order, but you really don’t have to.  Anne’s still trying to figure out what she should put on her chart.  This morning she thought that taping 80 little pictures of babies would be “fun.”  I told her it was creepy.  But she didn’t hear me.  So she won’t get mad that I said that until right now when she reads this.

WARNING – BLATANT PRODUCT PLUG ABOUT TO HAPPEN – WARNING:  

For my first work out, I did a little yoga at home.  Recently, YogaJack, a company that has developed a line of yoga products specifically targeted to manly men like myself, was kind enough to send me one of their mats to review.

mat1_1024x1024

As a man (and a particularly sweaty and chubby one), I can say that I’ve put this thing through the ringer.  My initial impression was that I wanted it to be a little stickier.  The more I use it, however, the better it gets.  Apparently yoga mats have a weird sheen on them at the beginning that wears off over time.  This one was no exception.

I don’t know what makes a yoga mat manly (but why would I?  I don’t even know what makes a man manly), but here’s why I like this mat:

  1. It’s long. 
  2. It’s thick.
  3. It feels good in my hands.

Uh.  Hm.  Jeez.  That really didn’t come out right, did it?

I do know one thing that made it manly.  The mat clearly has a top and bottom.  When I used it, I correctly placed the mat so that the “top” was facing up and the “bottom” was touching the dirty floor.  Anne tried the mat, and she had it upside down.  Women, right???

Final note, before I started using the YogaJack mat, I had a lululemon mat.  In all fairness, this mat was “stickier” than the YogaJack mat, but it smelled like a plastic fart, which is not a smell that is nice when your face is literally pressed against the mat.  I’ll take care of making a mat smell like death in my own time, I don’t need it to start out that way.  But not only does the lululemon mat smell like fart, it also sounds like fart if it gets wet and your skin touches it at all.  So basically, if you use the lululemon mat, everyone will just think you’re ripping away, and they’ll believe it too because it will smell like that.

Step 4:  Share your plan with the internet.  Let them hold you accountable when you slack off.  When you see me, if it looks like I’ve gained 80 lbs of sympathy weight, remember that’s not how the plan works.  Feel free to poke my belly.  If I laugh like a doughboy, the plan’s not working.

Step 5:  six-pack abs.

And that’s it.  If you’re interested in a personalized plan for yourself, please email me.  How much would you guess such a plan would cost?  10,000 dollars?  One million dollars?  No dollars?  Oh no, you can have a plan of your own for just $199.99.  That’s right.  For just $199.99, a mildly successful blogger will create a plan exclusively for you.  You can pick the color of the construction paper and the color of the pen to match all of your fitness needs.  But wait, there’s more.

I couldn’t think of anything to offer for the more part, so forget I said it, okay?

With just a little bit of work, this could be you in 80 days:

A drawing by Rob Pollak - 80 day workout plan for fathers to be

 

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An Interview with me about running


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My friends at Hot Bird Running asked me to be the featured runner in their weekly “Interview with a runner” series.   Apparently every other runner in the world was too busy, so I agreed to do the interview.  If you found me through the Hot Birds, then check out my facebook page while you’re here.

Please note – this is not a humble brag.  It’s a 100% blatant brag tinged with self-deprecating humor.

If you enjoy the things that I do here (like hysterical commentary, hilarious stick figure drawings, and hackneyed charts and graphs), then you will like this interview.

Here’s a sneak preview:

A pie chart showing the reasons why I run by Rob Pollak.  Reasons Include:  So I won't be fat, too lazy to learn other exercises, to not die, to feel superior to fat people, jared from subway said i should, to gawk at fit pretty people, to eat more, ran once but have OCD so couldn't stop

I promise that if you click the link you won’t be disappointed.  Or you’ll be mildly disappointed.  Or completely disappointed.  How should I know what kind of shitty mood you’re in today.

Please note that I linked to the interview about 50 times.  But if you’re a moron and missed those embedded links, here’s a more obvious version, idiot:

http://www.hotbirdrunning.com/blog/2013/3/21/interview-with-a-runner.html

Yoga Flow(chart): What should you wear to yoga class?

Given the recent lululemon controversy, a lot of yogis are confused about what they should wear to class.  You may be surprised to learn that I’m an expert on yoga fashion, particularly see-through pants.

So I put together a flow chart to help guide you in picking the right attire for your next class:

A flow chart by Rob Pollak answering the question, what should you wear to yoga class.  Are your pants see through?  Are you a woman?  Wear whatever you want, but for the love of god, wear boxer briefs.  Try Lululemon, but double bag it.  Try lululemon or naked yoga.  Don't wear white.  It's see through.

A Friendly Guide to the NYC Half Marathon

Even though I won’t be running the NYC Half Marathon this year, I’m a three-time finisher, so It’s my obligation to share my race secrets with the special few that NYRR has allowed into this year’s race.  They include a) A collection of the worlds best professional runners, b) Thousands of international runners, and c) Ten New Yorkers who were selected through a Hunger Games style lottery.

Good luck to you.  Here are some last minute pointers:

Carb loading rules.

Sure, trained professionals like my run coach friends, Meghan and Jessica at Hot Bird Running, may scold you when you eat 20,000 calories of spaghetti and meatballs mere hours before a race.  But who are you going to listen to?  A couple of certified run coaches who dedicated their lives to making you healthier and happier or the guy who draws funny stick figure pictures?

Exactly.  Go nuts, kids!

A stick figure eating spaghetti to carbo load for a half marathon cartoon by rob pollakThe Starting Line.

It’s chaos.  Seriously.  If you are planning to meet people at your starting corral, you may want to rethink that plan.  Every year, the set up has been different.  With last year being the worst because each stable area had its own set of bathrooms.  In theory this sounds amazing, but in practice, it meant that people waited in line for an hour while people already in the corral could cut the line.

This is also where I do my pre-race nerve-vomiting.

Cartoon by Rob Pollak about the bathroom line at the NYC half marathon

The course.  If you run Central Park often, you know what you’re in for.  If you’re an out of towner running the race for the first time, here’s a quick breakdown of the course.

Course Map:

A course map cartoon for the NYC Half Marathon - Cartoon by Rob Pollak

Miles 1-6 are in Central Park.  They changed the course slightly from when I ran it.  From the looks of the new map, the start will be slightly down hill until about the Mile 1 marker.  Then you will embark on “cat hill,” the first of many grueling tortures you will endure.  This hill is particularly awful because it’s a huge hill, then you get to the top, the road briefly flattens and then starts climbing again.  You will vomit.  It’s also about where your nipples will start to bleed.  Welcome to NYC!

Mile 2 will be awesome.  Look to your left for a sort of view of the Central Park reservoir.  If you ever get the chance to run around the reservoir, take it.  It’s a fantastic opportunity to berate parents pushing strollers and people on bikes, neither of which are allowed on the path.  Actually, I’m not sure if strollers are allowed or not.  If they are, apologies to that nice family that I called the C word for pushing a double wide stroller when I was sweating past them.  Yeah, that’s right.  I called them communists.

Mile 3 will be the worst part of the race, at least since Mile 2 and until you get to mile 4-13.  Mile 3 will be a combination of a big sweeping downhill around the northeast corner of the park.  That will flatten out and you will climb straight up a mountain in the back northwest corner.  You may notice that many people start to walk at this point.  Don’t be one of those people.  Listen to the volunteer standing there telling you to “stay inside the cones” and encouraging you that you’re almost to the top of the hill.

Pro Tip:  All of the lampposts in the park are labeled with the street number.  If you look at the bottom of the post, there will be a number that starts with two digits, like 90-01.  That means you’re at 90th street.  I have no idea what the 01 means.  Let’s just agree it means you’re number 1 to me.  Every twenty blocks is approximately 1 mile.  If you really start to struggle, count left foot strikes between posts.  Usually there are 10-20 strikes between posts.  I struggle a lot.

The light posts have information about streets on them in central park running cartoon by rob pollak

Mile 4 is the rolling hills of the west side of the park.  It’s terrible.  Every time you get a little break with a down hill, you head right back up a little uphill.  Look for my sister around mile 4.  She is nice.

During mile 5 and 6, you’ll be thinking, “get me the hell out of the park.”  Try not to start running faster.  You may get out of the park faster, but then you’re going to hate yourself by mile 9.

Mile 6-7:  The best part of the race!  You finally will hit the mean streets of Manhattan.  The road opens up and you can spread out and get away from that sweaty beast (me) who has been breathing down your neck for the last hour.  Lots of people will line the streets.  You’ll see huge buildings.  Your GPS watch will freak out and lose its signal and suddenly you’ll think that you’re running a 4:11 pace.  Enjoy the ride here because things are about to get pretty bad.

Mile 7-9.  At mile 7, you’ll turn right onto 42nd street.  The Big Apple, baby!  Riding high from seventh avenue, you are literally on top of the world at this moment.  You may think to yourself, “I can do anything!  This is so easy!  I’m a machine.”  Enjoy that feeling because as you turn right onto 42nd, you’re about to get blasted with a gale force wind coming off the Hudson River.

And as you amble over towards the West Side Highway, notice that they haven’t cut off traffic coming in the opposite direction.  So you’ll be inches away from angry New Yorkers smogging their cars in your face.  They will stare at you and berate you for making their drive take twice as long.  I know because before I ever ran the race, I once missed a tee time in NJ because I got redirected by those stupid runners.

Once you’re all the way west, they make you head back uptown for one block, which feels like you have to backtrack.  Also, the people disappear for this stretch of the race and it starts to become hard.  The Highway is exactly as it sounds:  Flat, boring, and trafficy.  Prepare for long stretches that are exactly the same.  Bring your ipod so you can suffer through this stretch with the musical stylings of Justin Bieber.  That’s how I managed.

Literally nothing changes for miles 8-12.  Except if I wake up in time, I’ll be on Murray street around Mile 11.5/12.  That’s where I live.  If you see me, say hi.

After Mile 12, the race goes underground into the Battery Park Underpass.  It’s dark and it echoes.  Someone will yell something stupid when you’re under there.  Don’t be that guy.

When you come out of the tunnel, you’re basically done.  Except you’re at the furthest point from everything else in New York.  So figure out a way to get home.  Last year, I ended up having to walk about 2.5 miles back to my apartment because I was a bad planner.  Don’t be a bad planner.

I guess, congratulations.  You’re a half marathoner.

Celebrate by eating enough calories of ice cream and bagels to negate any positive benefits of months of training.