Yoga Pre-treat

Posted on February 5, 2012 by Rob Pollak

In preparation for my Kripalu yoga retreat, where I will find my passion, Anne and I went to another yoga class today at the Laughing Lotus yoga studio. It’s hard to explain this magical place, but I will try. First of all, if you are a man or a yoga beginner, I suggest coming already dressed in your workout attire. The changing rooms were labeled for “yogis” and “yoginis,” neither of which are real words. From what I could tell, if you were completely decked out in Lululemon attire, you went into the room on the right. In other words, I was the only person that did not go into this room.

We then entered the studio, which was a crowded space covered with glitter, graffiti on the walls, heart stickers on the floor, a disco ball on the ceiling, and a ratio of approximately 1800 women for every man. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. The ratio could even be a little more tilted towards women if you discount the male population by excluding the guy wearing shorts that looked like this:

Although I already felt a bit out of place, I took comfort in knowing that I had an invigorating workout to look forward to. And that was confirmed when we all sat up in our seats and listened to a 20 minute poetry reading and a group-sing of the most popular chant in the entire world. If you haven’t heard it before, it sounds like me looking around the room mouthing “what the fuck???”

But luckily, I can work up a sweat just at the thought of exercise, so right after the instructor read, “goodnight to the old woman whispering hush,” and closed her book, I was already in quite the lather. From there, the class did turn into a hard workout, but I was able to keep up with the 8% of instructions that were not given in sanskrit, or that didn’t involve the positioning of my vagina. I was pretty confident in my yogic abailities.

The best part of the class, by far, was when we broke into small groups of three and some random person had to spot me by touching my atrociously sweaty leg as I tried to do the scorpion:

I think I would have been more successful in my attempt if my spotter didn’t find my leg to be the texture and slickness of an eel. An incredibly hairy eel.

On the plus side, at the end of class when we were instructed to sit silently with our eyes closed, the instructor came up behind me and gave me an amazing magical massage. After she was done, I opened my eyes and watched to see if anyone else got one. They didn’t. Heyo! Still got it.

The Superbowl of Yoga

Posted on February 4, 2012 by Rob Pollak

Michael, I’ve made a huge mistake.

While every other American watches the Superbowl, I will be finding my passion on a yoga retreat. How did I get into this quandary? It’s a fair question. My mom must have read about the way to my heart because for my birthday she graciously offered to send me to one of her favorite places in the world so that I can find my true calling. I’m going to DVR the game, so can everyone PLEASE not mention anything about it until like Thursday?

In preparation for the trip, I’ve taken a few yoga classes. It turns out that I sort of like it. As with anything new that I try, I find there are pros and cons.

Yoga Pros:

I feel kind of good when I’m done.
This video

Yoga cons:

No athletic activity should reasonably allow for a call and response sing-a-long session.
The moment when the teacher tells you to turn to the side and bend at the waist and then lift your head and look forward, and when you look forward your head is literally engulfed in the ass of the woman on the mat next to you. I wish I didn’t know the size of her pants when the only label is on the inside.
That the women in the class make it look like the easiest thing in the world, yet I am sweating so much that there is a large puddle developing at the front of my mat, and my mat has enough sweat on it that it probably could be used as a slip and slide for a group of small children.
That every woman in the class is probably thinking that I am trying to look at her butt, when in actuality I am only trying to breathe so I do not die or worse, vomit.
When someone towels the door to keep the incense smell inside the yoga studio, I get weird flashbacks to college.
General discomfort with being barefoot around other people.
Feelings of guilt that someone else probably has their head uncomfortably close to my ass.

I will try and live blog my passion-finding weekend, but I have a feeling the use of electronic devices will be strongly discouraged during my programs.

Namaste.

PS – One more con:

I have no idea what Namaste means.

The Happy Birthday Hierarchy

Posted on February 4, 2012 by Rob Pollak

First of all, I am obligated by social media etiquette to thank everyone for the birthday wishes and say that I am overwhelmed. So, Thanks! I’m overwhelmed!

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to rank those that recognized my birthday in the following order:

1. Present buyers: These people clearly love me, and I thank them for giving me a thoughtful present that allows me to quantify the exact amount of their love.

2. Card Senders: These people do not need Facebook to remind them it’s my birthday because they use outdated reminder tools like Outlook calendar reminders or their minds. They are thoughtful enough to think of my birthday far enough in advance to send a card. Extra points if the card includes a pun. This category is generally limited to old people and business contacts because those are the only people who still use the mail.

3. Callers: Even on my birthday, no one really wants to talk to me, so this category is limited to family members.

4. Texters: Thanks to those friends that are thoughtful enough to send a personalized text rather than posting on my facebook wall. We all know that this is the more personal than facebook, so I appreciate that. Part of me still wonders if they are just slightly embarrassed that we are associated on facebook, and would like to keep their well wishes just between us.

5. Emailers: Similar to text messages, except I might not check it right away. Extra points if it is from a person and not an automatically generated spam email from my bank.

6. Facebook direct messagers: Thanks to the people that would be emailers or texters if they had a more direct form of contact information. Regardless, the extra effort is noted.

7. Tweeters: Would be higher on the list if anyone wished me a happy birthday in this manner.

8. Facebook wall posters who include a personal message: Just one little sentence that let’s me know you’re thinking about me goes a long way. “I hope you have a great day” doesn’t count, it has to be more personal like, “Happy Birthday, Rob! Thanks for being so handsome!”

9. Generic facebook wall posters: Thanks to the people who wish everyone happy birthday in the same way every single day they see a birthday. You make me feel great about myself even though you probably won’t think about me again until this time next year when you receive a reminder. When someone else has a birthday, this is the category I always fall within.

10. The belated: Thanks for trying, but you’re dead to me as of 12:01 tomorrow.

11. Everyone else: I will never speak to you again, and if I notice it is your birthday and think, “Awww. I really hope that person has a great day and would like to send them a personalized card or present,” I will refuse to do so out of spite.

*WHOA! A late entry is a utellit message. I didn’t even know this existed, but then Rick Desai, who only exists on the internet, blew all my real friends away with a personal voice recorded message wishing me a joyous birthday. Everyone else has a lot to learn from this guy. But it’s still not as good as a present.

For Bettor or Worse: Gambling on Weddings

Posted on February 4, 2012 by Rob Pollak

Check out my latest post on blog dudes:

For Bettor or Worse: Gambling on Weddings

Weddings are all about stakes. Sickness and health. Richer and poorer. Better and worse. But let’s face it, once you’ve been to one wedding, you’ve pretty much seen them all. So when you find yourself humming Pachelbel’s “Canon” after your seventh wedding in as many weekends, you need a way to pump yourself up for the next one. That’s where I can help. I’ve been to so many weddings in the last five years that I’m practically ordained with the Universal Life Church.

Keep reading here: http://www.blogdudes.com/2011/11/11/for-bettor-or-worse-gambling-on-weddings/

26.2 Reasons I’m Not Running the NYC Marathon

Posted on February 4, 2012 by Rob Pollak

A few months ago, I deferred my entry for tomorrow’s NYC marathon. I am still conflicted about it. On the one hand, it makes me sad that I didn’t follow through on a goal. On the other, I ran a 5K today and I’ve already taken two recovery naps. So running 8 of those back to back seems like a terrible way to spend a Sunday. In other words, I’m still working off a lifetime of laziness. Here’s a permanent record of the reasons excuses for why I’ll be on the sidelines tomorrow instead of a bastion of hope for future generations of runners:

Extreme laziness
26 miles seems really far
It was too hot during the peak training months
I drank wine and/or beer too many nights before training runs
My ankle hurt one day when I should have been training
Fear of nipple chafing
The snooze button
Large blister on the bottom of my foot on August 19, 2011
Apple Pucker and commemorative key rings set me back at least two weeks
I am an amazing spectator
With a little persuasion/nagging Anne will run it with me next year
The scene on last year’s Biggest Loser when one of the contestants had an emergency number 2 stop at a port-o-john during the marathon
Still trying to find an appropriate pose for the race photographers*
Hurricane Irene
Four day delay in getting new sneakers after my old pair got wet and I refused to run in them again.
I can’t set the world record on a course that doesn’t begin and end in the same location.
Inner thigh chafing
Who wants to go to Staten Island?
Didn’t want to overdo it with the carbo loading
The 1%
I now have another year to think of clever running related blog topics
I wanted to refocus my attention on blogging
It seemed stupid to train during the summer just in case the rapture happened
I was worried that I would hit the wall and die at mile 24 and not finish. Just like I did in this stupid post.