social media | Rob Complains About Things

First of all, I am obligated by social media etiquette to thank everyone for the birthday wishes and say that I am overwhelmed. So, Thanks! I’m overwhelmed!

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to rank those that recognized my birthday in the following order:

1. Present buyers: These people clearly love me, and I thank them for giving me a thoughtful present that allows me to quantify the exact amount of their love.

2. Card Senders: These people do not need Facebook to remind them it’s my birthday because they use outdated reminder tools like Outlook calendar reminders or their minds. They are thoughtful enough to think of my birthday far enough in advance to send a card. Extra points if the card includes a pun. This category is generally limited to old people and business contacts because those are the only people who still use the mail.

3. Callers: Even on my birthday, no one really wants to talk to me, so this category is limited to family members.

4. Texters: Thanks to those friends that are thoughtful enough to send a personalized text rather than posting on my facebook wall. We all know that this is the more personal than facebook, so I appreciate that. Part of me still wonders if they are just slightly embarrassed that we are associated on facebook, and would like to keep their well wishes just between us.

5. Emailers: Similar to text messages, except I might not check it right away. Extra points if it is from a person and not an automatically generated spam email from my bank.

6. Facebook direct messagers: Thanks to the people that would be emailers or texters if they had a more direct form of contact information. Regardless, the extra effort is noted.

7. Tweeters: Would be higher on the list if anyone wished me a happy birthday in this manner.

8. Facebook wall posters who include a personal message: Just one little sentence that let’s me know you’re thinking about me goes a long way. “I hope you have a great day” doesn’t count, it has to be more personal like, “Happy Birthday, Rob! Thanks for being so handsome!”

9. Generic facebook wall posters: Thanks to the people who wish everyone happy birthday in the same way every single day they see a birthday. You make me feel great about myself even though you probably won’t think about me again until this time next year when you receive a reminder. When someone else has a birthday, this is the category I always fall within.

10. The belated: Thanks for trying, but you’re dead to me as of 12:01 tomorrow.

11. Everyone else: I will never speak to you again, and if I notice it is your birthday and think, “Awww. I really hope that person has a great day and would like to send them a personalized card or present,” I will refuse to do so out of spite.

*WHOA! A late entry is a utellit message. I didn’t even know this existed, but then Rick Desai, who only exists on the internet, blew all my real friends away with a personal voice recorded message wishing me a joyous birthday. Everyone else has a lot to learn from this guy. But it’s still not as good as a present.

I know a lot of people are freaking about the new Facebook Timeline feature. Count me among them. But my freakout is more personal. I’m terrified that the world is going to learn everything about me going back to my birth. As my golf coach used to say, “the best defense is a good offense.” So, before you get to see my profile, I thought I’d get out ahead of the curve and tell you some things that you’ll find out soon enough:

I was on the golf team. It was the coolest thing I did in high school.
When I was a baby, I had 33 chins.
I dropped those chins in high school. Mostly because my sophomore year I only ate Snapple.
I once posted a status update that read: “Wow, this new Emeril sitcom is great. Everyone should watch it! BAM!”
The chins returned in college.
I drove a blue jetta that everyone thought was purple:
(not my actual ride)
That with all of the changes, the thing I am most worried about is that people will see how disgusting some of my Seamless orders are.
In 10th grade, I accidentally locked myself in my room and was rescued by a team of firefighters. During the rescue, my biggest concern was whether I would be on time to marching band practice.