Food Diary (a.k.a. I’m a Fat F*&K)

According to science, I am somewhere between -3 and 26 lbs overweight.  Since no one without a phd in literature can understand the instructions for determining “frame size,” I am considering myself a medium frame.  I also have miniature wrists and the smallest neck of any adult man.  Perhaps my frame may even be small.  

I exercise a lot.  So here I am, finally admitting that the only reason I am not yet gracing the cover of men’s health magazine is related to my diet.  

I hope you’re ready internet, because I’m considering keeping a running food diary on my tumblr to hold myself accountable.  To see if this is even possible, here’s my recreation of everything I have eaten since 6 am on Thursday morning.

Thursday (Pretty sure this was the healthiest day)


20 oz Iced coffee (Thanks Mayor Bloomberg!)

6 oz oatmeal from Whole Foods


4 mile run on treadmill.  (Sweat rating 3.5 towels)


Salad with blackened chicken, whole wheat pita, rice, avocado, cucumber, sesame ginger dressing.  

Beverage – Water


Chipotle Burrito Bowl (Picture is representative, but not accurate).  Brown rice, black beans, Barbacoa (no clue what this is), hot salsa, corn salsa, a little cheese.  (No guac or sour cream)

Beverage – water

Entire pint of this:




20 oz iced coffee

Corn muffin from a food cart parked outside my apartment


Two apple sauces – single serve size, not whole jars

Workout:  One hour Vinyassa Yoga (image below), Jog 1.1 miles.  (Sweat Rating:  3 towels)


Whole Foods Hot bar (Total Weight 1.29 lbs).  Items included:  Brown rice, Chicken Curry, Four pieces of Naan, One potato Samosa, Mexican Rice

Drink – Sparkling Mandarin Water


I cooked this.  I added an extra half pound of the skirt steak because two of us were eating.  Then I ate approximately one pound of skirt steak.  

I also ate 170 blue corn chips with guacamole.  

Beverage:  Mandarin Orange Seltzer



Breakfast – onion bagel with lo-fat cream cheese from Zuckers

20 oz Iced Coffee.


Chicken Selects Meal from McDonalds (5 pc) (20 oz Coke) (Medium Fries)


Leftover dinner from last night (Serving Size – Medium)

20 more chips with guac


3ish Mile Run.  Outdoors.  Sweated my balloons off.

And that’s where I’m at.  I think that I’m eating pretty healthily, so if anyone notices any issues or has suggestions for ways that I can cut down on unnecessary calories, I would love to hear them.  

Operation: Jamaican Me Healthy

March 31 will mark the amazing five-year anniversary of my marriage to Anne.  So in recognition of her tremendous patience, perseverance, tolerance, patience, devotion, sense of humor, patience, and ability to see the potential in others, we will be taking a celebratory trip to Jamaica.

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to do something extra special for Anne.  That’s right, I intend to remove my shirt in public for the first time since forced to pass a mandatory swim test on my first day of college.  Because I work best when instructed to follow an explicit set of rules, I enacted Operation:  Jamaican Me Healthy, a ten-step plan designed to help me and others achieve the perfect beach bod.

Operation:  Jamaican Me Healthy (patent pending)

Step 1:  Take a photo of yourself and identify any potential areas for improvement:

Step 2:  Reduce the number of meals eaten at shake shack from 5 to 3 per week.

Step 3:  Increase the amount of exercise from none times per week to at least 6 times per day.

Step 4:  Think of as many “Jamaican me” jokes as you can.  Use them at least once per conversation.  Pray that despite step 4 you still make it to that elusive five year anniversary.

Step 5:  If you see, smell, hear, touch, bathe in, or otherwise come into contact with ice cream, repeat step 4.

Step 6:  No alcohol except for Red Stripe and rum punch.

Step 7:  Watch The Biggest Loser and Cool Runnings every week.

Step 8:  At the end of each day, stand shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror and flex your muscles.  If Anne anyone knocks on the door and asks “what are you doing in there? Everything ok” respond with, “Sorry.  That healthy dinner I had tonight must have ja-made my stomach upset.”  Then remind yourself that “jamaican me” jokes don’t work as well in the past tense, flex three more times, flush the toilet to complete the story you were selling, and get a good night’s sleep.

Step 9:  If the first eight steps are not jamaican you as ripped as you hoped to be, seek extensive lipo or other forms of plastic surgery.

Step 10:  Remove your shirt, retake your photo, and witness your amazing transformation from step 1: