Media Roundup

Yesterday, I shared some big news on facebook:

NYTSome were skeptical of this information, so I linked to a secondary source documenting my prowess:

nypostI was not able to provide a “link” to more information, so the people remained wary. But today I’m pleased to admit that I’ve found some program that allows me to edit real websites. And I love it more than anything in the world (except golf).

Bieber Tweets

PGATour

googleEnough of that. Because it has been a while since my last post, I’m going to update you on all the things you’ve been wondering about. (A big “suck it” goes out to the reader who always picks on me for mixing up “since” and “because.”)

The 80 to Baby Project is still going strong. If I can just make it to the gym about 64 times in the next three or four weeks, I should achieve all of my goals. You probably noticed that I didn’t include any photos in this post. That’s because I recently learned about couvade syndrome, which occurs when a man takes on the symptoms of pregnancy.

The couvade symptoms include violent mood swings, intense ice cream cravings, weight gain, constipation, irritability, sluggishness, and hilariousness. I need to get to a grand rounds at a major medical center stat (good use of medical term, right?) because I have been exhibiting couvade symptoms for my entire life. Pregnant women just get a 9 month glimpse of what it’s like to be me.

– the baby pool submissions are still under review and I plan to give a breakdown soon of your picks. In sum, most of you think of me as a fat, egotistical, asshole with a perfect wife who will give birth to a baby between 5 and 75 lbs. You universally like her better than you like me, but you showed that by predicting she would be ten weeks overdue during a sweltering summer. Thanks guys!

I wrote half of this from my phone and I have meatballs for thumbs. Apologies for any horrible typos. Damn you autocorrect!

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The Official Rob (and Anne) Complains About Things Baby Pool

Welcome to the first annual Rob (and Anne) Complains About Things (other than their baby) Baby Pool.

A drawing launching a baby pool for my blog

CLICK HERE to submit your entry to the baby pool.  It only takes a minute to enter, but by doing so, you will receive 15 seconds of entertainment.

If you like to read the “fine print” then the rest of this post is just for you!

The Rules are as follows:

  1. One entry per person (no purchase necessary).
  2. The winner will be the person who submits the best entry form.  Because the answers to some of the questions will not be finalized for many many years, this will be a somewhat arbitrary process.  In other words, the person who does the best on picking the gender/DOB/weight/height/Apgar score/Rob Pass out/name will win.  In the event of a tie, all prize money will be donated to charity (Baby’s college fund).
  3. People who have provided interviews to this blog about parenting are all already winners in my mind!  But if they do win the contest, their prizes will be as follows:
    1. If Andy wins, the prize will be one pair of Hank and Jojo socks.
    2. If Ryan wins, the prize will be a weekly guest spot on my blog.
    3. If Suburban Mom wins, the prize will be extra blog traffic for my blog.  She wins!
  4. Anne is not allowed to enter.  Not for any specific reason, but it would really crush my spirits if she did better than I did in this pool.
  5. These rules don’t matter because, as you’re about to see, the prizes are all really shitty.  If you still want to enter, here’s what you could win:  

First Prize:

  • Have the baby named after you (redeemable only if the winning entry has the same name as we were going to pick for the kid anyway).
  • A custom stick figure drawing.
  • An autographed photo of me passed out in the delivery room.  If I don’t pass out, an autographed photo of placenta.
  • A blog post all about you.
  • Three unused Rob Complains About Things Stamps (cash value $1.38)

Second Prize:

  • A slightly shittier custom stick figure drawing.
  • An autographed photo of me doing yoga.
  • A blog post all about someone else but mentioning you.
  • Two unused Rob Complains About Things Stamps (cash value $0.92)

Third Prize:

  • Yeah, right.  Like I’m going to give a prize to someone who couldn’t even make the top two.  You suck!
  • $3 cash
  • One unused Rob Complains About Things Stamp

Last Place:

  • You will be mocked relentlessly by me.  Unless I finish last, in which case the scores will be manipulated in such a way as to make it seem like someone else finished last.

Good luck to all participants.  I am ineligible for any prizes (except first or second prize), but I will submit an entry to crush you all with my inside information.

Thanks for participating.  Here’s the link again in case I f*cked up the one I posted at the beginning:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1d_cPSTVFTNRR4CijYDsD3nNlojriX6UL1oX-zXviuXU/viewform

Quick Hits

Yesterday, I invited my loyal facebook page followers to hurl insults at me if I fail to write three posts a week.  Today’s the first day, so I would really be a terrible person if I didn’t at least get something out to you.  Therefore, I’ll do something I’ve been doing basically all my life:  Half ass it to meet a commitment but do nothing above and beyond the minimum that’s required of me.

In other words, I’m making a list of things that I’ve been thinking lately:

1.  Anne’s having a baby.  That dominates most of my time.  I just think about it and then explain to Anne how to be pregnant.  If not for me, she’d probably be eating turkey and blue cheese sandwiches all the time.  A few months ago, I had no idea that if a pregnant woman ingests blue cheese or deli meat, it’s lights out for the fetus.

2.  The 80 to Baby initiative remains strong.  I’m a few days behind pace, but that’s because Anne is a Gestapo who doesn’t count golf as exercise.  The days when I walk 18 holes and swing a heavy club 200 or so times somehow isn’t exercise.  Nice try, Anne, but I think John Daly would disagree with you:

3.  Speaking of golf, no one cares but I recently made a swing change.  I also got these pants.   I’ll probably never wear them, because I don’t think they’re for Jews.  But they’ll look great hanging in my closet.

4.  Apparently no one cares about stamps.  Because I’ve been sending out some great mail via the USPS, yet no one else wants anything.  Your loss, bro.

5.  This will be the worst blog post I ever make.  Seriously.  I have so much that I want to say but so little time.  It’s really hard to play 18 holes of golf in the morning and then work all afternoon/night.  And then try to entertain.

6.  I took a hiatus from yoga to gain sympathy weight.  It was awesome but now I’m on the brink of buying my own pregnancy pants.  That’s no good, so I went back to the gym today.  It’s on.

7.  Please don’t unsubscribe from my blog because of this post.  As LGBT advocates have been reminding us for years, it gets better.

Suck it,

Rob

New Initiative

The Rob Complains About Things stamp collection is now here.  Shoot me a message if you’d like to receive a personalized gift in the mail.  I’ll put something in an envelope for you and then you can admire the stamp on the outside of the envelope.  First Elvis, now me.

Suck it,

Rob