Yesterday, I shared some big news on facebook:

Some were skeptical of this information, so I linked to a secondary source documenting my prowess:

I was not able to provide a “link” to more information, so the people remained wary. But today I’m pleased to admit that I’ve found some program that allows me to edit real websites. And I love it more than anything in the world (except golf).

Enough of that. Because it has been a while since my last post, I’m going to update you on all the things you’ve been wondering about. (A big “suck it” goes out to the reader who always picks on me for mixing up “since” and “because.”)

The 80 to Baby Project is still going strong. If I can just make it to the gym about 64 times in the next three or four weeks, I should achieve all of my goals. You probably noticed that I didn’t include any photos in this post. That’s because I recently learned about couvade syndrome, which occurs when a man takes on the symptoms of pregnancy.

The couvade symptoms include violent mood swings, intense ice cream cravings, weight gain, constipation, irritability, sluggishness, and hilariousness. I need to get to a grand rounds at a major medical center stat (good use of medical term, right?) because I have been exhibiting couvade symptoms for my entire life. Pregnant women just get a 9 month glimpse of what it’s like to be me.

– the baby pool submissions are still under review and I plan to give a breakdown soon of your picks. In sum, most of you think of me as a fat, egotistical, asshole with a perfect wife who will give birth to a baby between 5 and 75 lbs. You universally like her better than you like me, but you showed that by predicting she would be ten weeks overdue during a sweltering summer. Thanks guys!

I wrote half of this from my phone and I have meatballs for thumbs. Apologies for any horrible typos. Damn you autocorrect!

Yesterday, I invited my loyal facebook page followers to hurl insults at me if I fail to write three posts a week.  Today’s the first day, so I would really be a terrible person if I didn’t at least get something out to you.  Therefore, I’ll do something I’ve been doing basically all my life:  Half ass it to meet a commitment but do nothing above and beyond the minimum that’s required of me.

In other words, I’m making a list of things that I’ve been thinking lately:

1.  Anne’s having a baby.  That dominates most of my time.  I just think about it and then explain to Anne how to be pregnant.  If not for me, she’d probably be eating turkey and blue cheese sandwiches all the time.  A few months ago, I had no idea that if a pregnant woman ingests blue cheese or deli meat, it’s lights out for the fetus.

2.  The 80 to Baby initiative remains strong.  I’m a few days behind pace, but that’s because Anne is a Gestapo who doesn’t count golf as exercise.  The days when I walk 18 holes and swing a heavy club 200 or so times somehow isn’t exercise.  Nice try, Anne, but I think John Daly would disagree with you:

3.  Speaking of golf, no one cares but I recently made a swing change.  I also got these pants.   I’ll probably never wear them, because I don’t think they’re for Jews.  But they’ll look great hanging in my closet.

4.  Apparently no one cares about stamps.  Because I’ve been sending out some great mail via the USPS, yet no one else wants anything.  Your loss, bro.

5.  This will be the worst blog post I ever make.  Seriously.  I have so much that I want to say but so little time.  It’s really hard to play 18 holes of golf in the morning and then work all afternoon/night.  And then try to entertain.

6.  I took a hiatus from yoga to gain sympathy weight.  It was awesome but now I’m on the brink of buying my own pregnancy pants.  That’s no good, so I went back to the gym today.  It’s on.

7.  Please don’t unsubscribe from my blog because of this post.  As LGBT advocates have been reminding us for years, it gets better.

Suck it,

Rob

The Rob Complains About Things stamp collection is now here.  Shoot me a message if you’d like to receive a personalized gift in the mail.  I’ll put something in an envelope for you and then you can admire the stamp on the outside of the envelope.  First Elvis, now me.

Suck it,

Rob