Yesterday, I shared some big news on facebook:

Some were skeptical of this information, so I linked to a secondary source documenting my prowess:

I was not able to provide a “link” to more information, so the people remained wary. But today I’m pleased to admit that I’ve found some program that allows me to edit real websites. And I love it more than anything in the world (except golf).

Enough of that. Because it has been a while since my last post, I’m going to update you on all the things you’ve been wondering about. (A big “suck it” goes out to the reader who always picks on me for mixing up “since” and “because.”)

The 80 to Baby Project is still going strong. If I can just make it to the gym about 64 times in the next three or four weeks, I should achieve all of my goals. You probably noticed that I didn’t include any photos in this post. That’s because I recently learned about couvade syndrome, which occurs when a man takes on the symptoms of pregnancy.

The couvade symptoms include violent mood swings, intense ice cream cravings, weight gain, constipation, irritability, sluggishness, and hilariousness. I need to get to a grand rounds at a major medical center stat (good use of medical term, right?) because I have been exhibiting couvade symptoms for my entire life. Pregnant women just get a 9 month glimpse of what it’s like to be me.

– the baby pool submissions are still under review and I plan to give a breakdown soon of your picks. In sum, most of you think of me as a fat, egotistical, asshole with a perfect wife who will give birth to a baby between 5 and 75 lbs. You universally like her better than you like me, but you showed that by predicting she would be ten weeks overdue during a sweltering summer. Thanks guys!

I wrote half of this from my phone and I have meatballs for thumbs. Apologies for any horrible typos. Damn you autocorrect!