Last week, I began a new interview series where I learn everything there is to know about being a dad.  Ryan was a real sport during that interview, but unfortunately he answered all my questions.  So even though this is only week two, I’m mixing it up a bit and interviewing a real mom.  Don’t worry though, she kind of has a boy’s name.

Without further ado, let’s get to my interview with Andriana Caradimitropoulo Spence, better known as Andy.  See a boy’s name.

Andy and I went to High School and now I stalk the photos of her adorable kids on facebook:

You can tell that Andy’s a great parent because she invented Hank and Jojo, a company that makes socks for kids:

It seems that I have greatly influenced some of the items sold by Hank and Jojo, like these hipster glasses onesies:

I mean, come on.  Why not just put this on the front of those things:

Andy’s career choice as a sock maker does seem somewhat surprising.  Photographic evidence proves that when Andy and her husband walk their kids around the city on leashes, the kids don’t even wear socks:

But I’m not going to judge Andy’s parenting ability based on one little leash.  I’ll let some other photos do the judging.

But enough about Andy’s parenting philosophies.  Let’s get to the interview.

Rob Complains:

Hi Andy.  Thanks for joining me today.  Before we get started, I think you should know that I’ve been somewhat obsessed with the Boston Bomber story.  Accordingly, I want to inform you of your rights.  

You have the right to remain silent.  At any time, you can refuse to answer my questions.  If you do answer my questions, you understand that I may, whenever I wish to do so, change your answers or invent my own answers for you.  Additionally, some of the things that I attribute to you here may be entirely fabricated and libelous.  Do you understand those rights?

Andy:

Yes.

Rob Complains:

Are you even mentally stable enough to answer that question?

Andy:

Well, I did just snort about a pound of heroin, so I’d say I’m raring to go.

Rob Complains:

And you waive your right to be angry or upset about anything from this point forward or backward?

Andy:

. . .

Rob Complains:

Let the record reflect that the interviewee exercised her right to not answer the prior question.  By doing so, she essentially consented to my rules for this interview.

So let’s cut to the chase.  Did you like me when we were in high school?

Andy:

I did!  Even though you were kind of a dork, you were older than I was, so that made you cool.  And I vaguely remember once being transported in the trunk of your car to Cranberry Park for a keg party.  Did I just make that up?

Rob Complains:

I don’t know.  But what kind of dork goes to a keg party?  

Andy:

The kind who was designated driver and made sure everyone arrived home before curfew.

Rob Complains:

Should I be upset that you implied I used the trunk of my vehicle to transport drunk, underage girls to a random park.  

Andy:

You had to make this creepy, didn’t you?

Rob Complains:

It was a hatch back.  “In the trunk” seems excessively dramatic.

Andy:

Whatever.

Rob Complains:

Let’s get to the reason you’re here.  Parenting.  

So first and most important question:  Do kids even really need socks?

Andy:

Um, yes Rob.  Do dogs need sweaters?  Yes, absolutely.

Rob Complains:

Is your second kid mad that she’s not included in the company name?

Andy:

I’m  waiting for the other shoe to drop on this one.

Rob Complains:

More like the other sock, am I right??

Andy:

No.  And also in the back of my mind hoping I come up with a second business with her name in it before she realizes.

Rob Complains:

Well, I fixed your logo in case it helps.

But if I were in that predicament, I would have just named the second girl Hank. 

How smart are your kids so far?  For example, can they spell your maiden name?  Will they ever be able to spell your maiden name?

Andy:

Definately not, and maybe never.

Rob Complains:

That’s d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y.

Andy:

I know.  That’s how I spelled it, but you edited my answer after our interview to make it seem like my kids inherited my bad spelling gene.

Rob Complains:

That’s preposterous 

Andy:

And now you are making up this exchange to call yourself out for doing so.  Have you considered therapy?

Rob Complains:

I miss Ryan.  

Next question:  What things can I do to make sure I’m the best husband of all time during a) pregnancy, b) labor, c) the first week of the kid’s life, and d) when I go back to being king of my castle at the end of that first week?

Andy:

a) PREGNANCY: rub feet, change the kitty litter, do all heavy lifting/grocery shopping/bed making, turn a blind eye at the speed at which we can burn through a cheeseburger deluxe.

Rob Complains:

That sounds pretty much like what I do anyway.  Except for the cheeseburger thing.  Despite her pregnancy, Anne remains one of the world’s slowest eaters.

While that’s great advice, let me ignore Anne for a second and make a few quick points about “kitty litter.”  

One, it’s disgusting.  The entire concept of a bin that just sits there full of cat shit repulses me.  But it’s worse than that because the shit becomes encrusted once it hits the litter and the cat touches it with its feet and then walks those feet around the house and onto your face.  

Two, I don’t like the word kitty.  It sounds really creepy.  Maybe that’s fitting for a cat.  

Three, when I was a kid, we had a cat named Tom.  I hated that fucker.  We had an ongoing battle throughout his life where I would do everything in my power to keep him out of my room.  I always closed the door, yet Tom managed to get in somehow.  Once in, he would either shit or vomit in my closet.  That’s right, I had a walk in closet as a kid.  What up MoFos!

God I hope my kid never wants a cat.

Andy:

So you’re ignoring Anne now?  Seems like you really are a grade A helper.

Anyway, back to your question.  During LABOR: some women want their partner to coach them through, some want nothing to do with him.

Rob Complains:

Tough decision. But as the man of the house, I think it’s my responsibility to coach Anne through this.  She even got me this shirt.  She knows where she stands.

Okay fine, she got me this shirt:

Andy:

Okay, coach.  Basically whichever option you pick, you’ll be wrong.

Rob Complains:

That’s what my Moula is for.

Andy:

Also, don’t stroll into the delivery room with a hot pastrami sandwich when your wife is in active labor and about to puke.  Speaking of which – Rob, remember to look up “active labor.”

Rob Complains:

HOLY FUCK!!  

I took your advice and looked that up and I was totally not ready for what I saw:

Andy:

The first week at home is crucial.  This is when all the standards are set for who is responsible for what. if your wife is breastfeeding (the biggest job of all jobs), basically, you do everything else.

Rob Complains:

What if we use formula?

Andy:

What kind of monster are you?  According to science, your baby will be dumber and become a horrible person.  Didn’t you know that?

Rob Complains:

Yes, because I made up both the question and the answer.   

Andy:

And about your responsibilities after the first week, you are sorely mistaken.  It’s no longer your castle.  It is sadly now the castle of poop and doing whatever Anne asks.

Rob Complains:

Unfortunately, that seems like an apt description of my castle already.

Andy:

Do your kid a favor and delete that last line.  You sicken me with your poop jokes.

Rob Complains: 

Any regrets about parenthood?

Andy:

None.

Rob Complains:

Not even these genie pants?

Rob Complains:

How much pain medication did you take, and how much should I take?

Andy:

I started off both times with nothing, then everything.  That shit got real, I’m not gonna lie.  If anne says she doesn’t want meds, your job is to support that decision.  But as soon as she asks for them, it’s also your job to flag down the anesthesiologist and lock him in the room until the epidural is in.  Oh wait, you were asking about what you should take. Nothing, you pansy.

Rob Complains:

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Language please.  This is a family friendly blog.

Andy:

Sorry.  But it’s pretty insane in the delivery room.

Rob Complains:

So this photo on facebook isn’t from when you birthed your child?  Because it sort of looks like how I imagine the process.

Rob Complains:

You reached out to me after my last post because you found some factual inaccuracies with the information I got from Ryan.  Care to elaborate from a Mom’s point of view?

Andy:

Yes.  Frankly speaking, that guy’s an idiot.  For starters:

1) You can leave for your meals and snacks during delivery, but if you bring them into the deliver room Anne will puke.

2) I don’t even remember what the maternity ward looked like, much less smelled like, nor did I care that I was wearing the equivalent to a cloth napkin with armholes, or that people were coming in and out of the room every 5 minutes to look inside my vagina and ask “what pain are you feeling on a scale of 1-10?”

Rob Complains:

Sorry to interrupt, but I have two questions.  1) isn’t it possible that you didn’t notice the smell because you were responsible for it?  and 2) Do the doctors really talk to Vaginas and if so, do they have one of these but with vaginas? 

Andy:

3) going home in the taxi was fun! we took a photo with the driver. I think his name was Muhammad.

Rob Complains:

That could be true, but most likely you’re being a touch racist here.

Andy:

4) kids NEVER wake up after 9am. ever.  Like, i think you have to wait until they are in college for them to do that and then they’re not even living with you anymore, just taking your money and hating you.

You will quickly become friends with Yo Gabba Gabba and/or Dinosaur Train because they can sometimes bide you an extra 1/2 hours “sleep” if you have a TV in your bedroom. Sleep is in quotes because if your child is in bed with you ever, you will soon learn that you can not properly sleep when another human is sleeping horizontally in your bed no matter how hard you try.

I used to be able to sleep 12 hours straight without waking once. Now, I wake up from every single tiny minuscule sound in the apartment because apparently parents are wired to wake up from sounds. Go figure.  It is positively the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  But don’t worry, your baby will be a great sleeper.

Rob Complains:

That seems like good advice, but I stopped listening after you used “and/or.”  

Last question.  Answering on behalf of all women, are you offended by the way some women on the internet pregnancy boards talk about men?  For instance, on this Reddit mommy board, some women call their husbands “dick havers.”  That’s fucked up, right?  I am outraged.  OUTRAGED.  

Andy:

Well you see, something happens when a women sets out to have a baby.  I can’t quite explain it but it’s sort of like when Rocky sets out to go the distance. You prepare, you set a goal, and you do everything possible to meet that goal.  It’s totally crazy.

That being said, I’ve learned from my several years of marriage and two kids, that there are some things women are good at and some things men are good at.  Women are good at setting goals and following through.  Men are good at following direction.  There, I said it.  But, despite how crazy women get or how lazy men become, you do end up at the same place. With an adorable and completely lovable piece of the two of you.  And your lives and entire beings will be forever changed for the better.  I promise.

Rob Complains:

Good points.  When Anne reads this whole thing and gets to the end and says, “Rob, I can’t believe you interviewed a woman who called me crazy on the Internet, take that post down right now!”  I’ll do exactly what she tells me because I’m good at following those directions.  

Thanks again, Andy!  As I did for Ryan, here’s a nice photo to keep child services of your back: