A Visitor’s Guide to the Perfect NYC Weekend

Posted on May 26, 2011 by Rob Pollak

I’ve spent the last seven years exploring New York City. If you’re planning a weekend trip to the Big Apple, here are some helpful tips to make your trip perfect.

FRIDAY

Head Immediately to Times Square:

Times Square is quintessential New York. Bright lights, billboards, traffic, the M&M Store, other people, the Disney Store, the Naked Cowboy. It truly has it all. Where else can you find a Walgreens across the street from a Duane Reade owned by Walgreens? When I someday leave this city, my fondest memories will be from Times Square.

Times Square

Take Amazing Photos:

Once in Times Square, stop frequently in the middle of the sidewalk and take pictures of billboards. DO NOT pay any attention to the people walking behind you or towards you. You are a visitor to this city, so the right of way is yours. In every photo, outstretch your arms as wide as possible, once again paying no mind to pedestrians. They should anticipate this pose, so if you accidentally hit them in the face, it’s their own fault.

Have Your Portrait Drawn:

Do you have a big nose? Hideous teeth? Morbid obesity? Male pattern baldness? If so, you absolutely must have one of the world’s best caricaturists prepare a sketch. Choosing the right cartoonist can be difficult. Luckily, the artists display the best work from their prior clients. You can always tell the best ones, because they had the opportunity to draw celebrities. Hey, if the cartoonist was good enough for Justin Bieber, she should be good enough for you too.

Eat at a World Class Restaurant:

New York, and Times Square in particular, is home to some of the world’s finest dining. While in Times Square, check out the Olive Garden, Bubba Gump’s Shrimp Company, Olive Garden, or the Hard Rock Cafe. Each gives you an authentic New York dining experience. The wait can be long, but don’t worry! You can use the extra time to browse the gift shop and go home with the perfect commemorative shirt.

See a Show on Broadway:

Unfortunately, the epic run of Cats is over. That was really my only go to recommendation.

SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Repeat agenda from Friday.

People I Encounter on the Subway

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Rob Pollak

In order from least to most annoying:

– A Capella Gospel Singers – These guys always manage to put me in a good mood on the subway even when they’re singing Disney tunes. It’s possible that I one time sang wimowey wimowey wimowey wimowey for a week straight after riding the train with these guys.

– Mariachi Bands – Awesome hats, 1 minute song, guitars, a harpsichord? What’s not to love?

– Breakdancers – Would rank lower, but one time accidentally kicked someone in the face, which I found quite enjoyable.

– People of questionable blindness who request money and aggressively use their walking stick canes to smack me in the knee as they walk past. (note – this does not apply to actual blind people) (Also note, the internet says most subway beggars claiming to be blind are not. source: the most reputable site in the world.)

–HiMyNameIs____ ImSellingCandy. NotForaBasketballTeamOrAnyoneElse. JustToPutALittleMoneyInMyPocketAndStayOutOfTrouble.

– Human feces – Not a person; self explanatory; E train.

– Proselytizers – It’s been a long day. I just want some peace and quiet. I get on the train. I start reading Bossypants. I’m ready to laugh and laugh and laugh. And then it hits me – that booming monotone voice coming from the other end of the car. From the first “praise the lord” to the last “you will rot in hell” I know I’m in for the long haul because the proselytizer does not switch cars at every stop. Instead, I must decide for myself whether to switch cars and forsake the lord or suffer in silence. So I stand there and try to read my book but end up staring at the page. (just in case he’s right).

– People I know, but not well enough to have a conversation with that lasts more than 2 minutes. Typically, the conversation goes like this:

(Awkward eye contact followed by awkward attempt to lift book over face followed by awkward eye contact reconnect) followed by:

Me: Hey!
Them: Heyyyy!
Me: How arrrre you?
Them:  good good.  How arrrreeee youuuu?
Me:  also good.
Them:  Good!
Me:  Good!
Them:  Great.
Me:  So how far are you going?
Them:  Brooklyn
Me (in my mind): (Fuck).

I am outraged that iced coffee costs more than hot coffee

Posted on May 23, 2011 by Rob Pollak

Now that I’ve made my yearly switch to iced coffee, I’m falling into my usual warm weather routine: I wake up, press snooze, press snooze, press snooze, shower, towel dry, air dry, get dressed, walk to the subway, take a free newspaper from a moderately homeless gentleman, read two worthless articles about how stupid or fat New Yorkers are, go to the deli, flirt with the women at the counter, order breakfast, pay $1.50 for my bagel, and then pay 3 fucking dollars for my iced coffee.

Hot coffee costs $1. Add ice, a plastic cup, and a straw and I am seriously ripped off. Not to give them any genius ideas, but why is my bagel the same price whether it is toasted or not toasted? Charging more for a toasted bagel makes sense to me. If I order a bagel and ask for it with butter, the dude puts butter on the bagel and he hands it to me. It looks like this:

Now, if I ask for it toasted with butter, he undertakes an elaborate and highly stressful eight step process. First, he cuts the bagel. Second, he marks the bagel with some magical symbol that identifies which topping I would like placed on my bagel. Third, he enters my bagel into the toaster, using caution not to burn himself. Fourth, he closely monitors the bagel’s progress through the toaster to ensure that it does not cool from an unnecessary open-air waiting period. Fifth, he checks the quality of the bagel to evaluate whether it has reached the appropriate level of toastiness. Sixth, he unilaterally decides whether to re-toast the bagel to give it a more golden hue. Seventh, and without needing a reminder, he decodes his magical symbol and correctly places my pre-determined topping on the bagel. Finally, he perfectly dissects the bagel into two equal halves with an incredibly sharp knife, wraps it in aluminum foil, and hands it to me. It’s fucking magic what this man does in order for me to get a wonderfully perfect hot and toasty bagel with a touch of butter. For all of that extra service, I don’t pay a cent.

Once I have my bagel, I wait in line and the woman behind the counter makes me my coffee and calls me sweetie.

All winter, when I was cold as shit, she said, “Hot coffee, sweetie?” and I said, “Yes.” She then took a paper cup and gently applied pressure to a spout that poured the coffee into the paper cup. She placed a lid on the cup and handed it to me.

In the summer, when I get an iced coffee, she says “Iced Coffee, sweetie?” and I say, “Yes.” She then takes a plastic cup, scoops it with ice, and gently applies pressure to a spout that pours the coffee into the plastic cup. She places the lid on the cup and hands it to me.

Are you seriously telling me that the scooping of the ice costs a dollar? Maybe I should start drinking tea.

Just In Case the World Does End

Posted on May 20, 2011 by Rob Pollak

This whole 5/21 judgment day thing is probably nothing. But just in case the world does end, I think it’s time to share everything that I’ve been holding back. Without further ado:

It’s 2011 and Survivor still ranks among my top 3 favorite TV shows.
I’ve never read 45% of the books on my bookshelf.
When my wife is out of town I drink directly from the Brita pitcher despite firmly established household rules banning the practice.
I’m secretly holding out hope that I will be raptured.
I don’t use the priority inbox on gmail.

WAIT! Thankfully, I checked Wikipedia before getting to the really personal stuff. It turns out that 5/21 is just the first step of the process. The world won’t actually end until October. Please disregard everything that I just said. Especially the thing about the Brita. I’m really fucked if that one gets out.

22 questions about tumblr.

Posted on May 18, 2011 by Rob Pollak

Why is nothing happening yet?
Can I say I have a blog now? Or is this not a blog? Did I just combine two questions into one? This could get dicey towards the end. Should I have listed my questions and then put the number of questions in the title? It doesn’t really matter – you won’t be reading my blog by then.
When do I tweet, when do I tumbl, and when to I share something in Google Reader?
On that note, is this post called a tumbl?
Am I allowed to use the letter “e” at all?
Bcaus its rally hard to not us th lttr ’ .’
That wasn’t a question, but I thought I’d go for the easy laugh.
Shit. I really am not getting this question thing down the way I thought I would, am I? (And we’re back).
Is it premature to wonder why no one has offered me a book deal yet (or at least a web TV series)?
If I loop this into my twitter and facebook feeds, won’t everyone start to hate me?
Do you already sorta hate me? (just asking?)
Do these questions even matter now that this is happening?:�
When I do things like that, do I need to post a source? (it’s from http://thedailywh.at/)
I’m just clarifying because I suspect some people mistakenly thought that I photoshopped that image myself. Is that a reasonable assumption? I mean, I did create this tumblr feed basically out of thin air today. #CodingJobsNYC?
Going back to question 12, what is the proper punctuation for a question mark colon combination?
Is there an order of operations for punctuation? If not, I think we can all agree on the following easy to remember mnemonic device: (People Everywhere Must Concur: Question Mark Before Colon) (P, EM, C, QM, B, C) (Periods, Exclamation Marks, Commas, Question Marks, Brackets, Colons.)
I have no more questions. This is a disaster.
Is this thing on?
Are you kind of pissed that I left out semicolons, dashes, slashes, apostrophes, and quotation marks? I am too, but you try and come up with two different “QM” combination in your mnemonic device… Shit. Ellipses!?
Will this tumbl vr nd?
No?
Yes.!