In order from least to most annoying:
– A Capella Gospel Singers – These guys always manage to put me in a good mood on the subway even when they’re singing Disney tunes. It’s possible that I one time sang wimowey wimowey wimowey wimowey for a week straight after riding the train with these guys.
– Mariachi Bands – Awesome hats, 1 minute song, guitars, a harpsichord? What’s not to love?
– Breakdancers – Would rank lower, but one time accidentally kicked someone in the face, which I found quite enjoyable.
– People of questionable blindness who request money and aggressively use their walking stick canes to smack me in the knee as they walk past. (note – this does not apply to actual blind people) (Also note, the internet says most subway beggars claiming to be blind are not. source: the most reputable site in the world.)
–HiMyNameIs____ ImSellingCandy. NotForaBasketballTeamOrAnyoneElse. JustToPutALittleMoneyInMyPocketAndStayOutOfTrouble.
– Human feces – Not a person; self explanatory; E train.
– Proselytizers – It’s been a long day. I just want some peace and quiet. I get on the train. I start reading Bossypants. I’m ready to laugh and laugh and laugh. And then it hits me – that booming monotone voice coming from the other end of the car. From the first “praise the lord” to the last “you will rot in hell” I know I’m in for the long haul because the proselytizer does not switch cars at every stop. Instead, I must decide for myself whether to switch cars and forsake the lord or suffer in silence. So I stand there and try to read my book but end up staring at the page. (just in case he’s right).
– People I know, but not well enough to have a conversation with that lasts more than 2 minutes. Typically, the conversation goes like this:
(Awkward eye contact followed by awkward attempt to lift book over face followed by awkward eye contact reconnect) followed by:
Me: How arrrre you?
Them: good good. How arrrreeee youuuu?
Me: also good.
Me: So how far are you going?
Me (in my mind): (Fuck).