People I Encounter on the Subway

In order from least to most annoying:

A Capella Gospel Singers – These guys always manage to put me in a good mood on the subway even when they’re singing Disney tunes.  It’s possible that I one time sang wimowey wimowey wimowey wimowey for a week straight after riding the train with these guys.

Mariachi Bands – Awesome hats, 1 minute song, guitars, a harpsichord?  What’s not to love? 

Breakdancers – Would rank lower, but one time accidentally kicked someone in the face, which I found quite enjoyable. 

People of questionable blindness who request money and aggressively use their walking stick canes to smack me in the knee as they walk past.  (note – this does not apply to actual blind people)  (Also note, the internet says most subway beggars claiming to be blind are not.  source: the most reputable site in the world.)

HiMyNameIs____  ImSellingCandy.  NotForaBasketballTeamOrAnyoneElse. JustToPutALittleMoneyInMyPocketAndStayOutOfTrouble.

Human feces – Not a person; self explanatory; E train.

ProselytizersIt’s been a long day.  I just want some peace and quiet.  I get on the train.  I start reading Bossypants.  I’m ready to laugh and laugh and laugh.  And then it hits me – that booming monotone voice coming from the other end of the car.   From the first “praise the lord” to the last “you will rot in hell” I know I’m in for the long haul because the proselytizer does not switch cars at every stop.  Instead, I must decide for myself whether to switch cars and forsake the lord or suffer in silence.  So I stand there and try to read my book but end up staring at the page.  (just in case he’s right).

People I know, but not well enough to have a conversation with that lasts more than 2 minutes.  Typically, the conversation goes like this:

(Awkward eye contact followed by awkward attempt to lift book over face followed by awkward eye contact reconnect) followed by:

Me: Hey!
Them: Heyyyy!
Me: How arrrre you?
Them:  good good.  How arrrreeee youuuu?
Me:  also good.
Them:  Good!
Me:  Good!
Them:  Great.
Me:  So how far are you going?
Them:  Brooklyn
Me (in my mind): (Fuck).

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