Some random thoughts

As I continue my interminable defensive driving course, I thought I would use the excess time between slides to write down some random things that I’ve found troubling recently. I’ll also intersperse some of the more useful tidbits from the course.  

– Why doesn’t anyone care about Powerball when it’s 50 million dollars?  When it gets up to like 200 million, the whole world is in a tizzy.  But no one gives a shit when it’s a smaller, yet still massive amount.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, and the only differences I can imagine are the following:  (1) If I had 400 million, I could afford to wager 50 million on one spin of roulette at a casino.  If I had only 50 million, this would probably be unwise.  (2) If I had 400 million, I’d immediately buy a jet.  If I had 50 million, I’d just join NetJets.  (3) If I won 400 million, I’d share it with Anne.  If it was only 50 million, eh.  

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– When you park your vehicle, make sure the transmission is in “PARK.”  Seriously, they just told me this.

This article summarizes my opinion of half the baby pictures I see on facebook.  The other times, the pictures include afterbirth or other types of overshare.   

– My dad’s in the other room, and just heard him use me as an excuse to get off the phone with his friend Vinnie.  He said, Robert’s here, so I have to go.  He won’t talk to me for at least another hour.  This is also a test to see if Uncle Vinnie reads my blog.  If so, Hi Vin!  If not, you’re a fucking asshole.

– Highway hypnosis generally occurs when drivers have been driving for too long without periods of rest.  After onset, highway hypnosis generally results in periods of unawareness when a driver is unable to recall specific portions of a trip.  It also can result in the hypnotized person forgetting his own name or barking like a dog when he hears certain words.  

– Googling things that hypnotists do just cost me an extra 15 seconds on that last slide.  

– I recently discovered reddit, and it has ruined the rest of the internet for me.  I realize that everything funny I see on other sites has already been on reddit.  Speaking of which, I should probably just post this directly there.  Here’s something I saw on reddit today that you will probably see in the next week somewhere else and now you can be all, “yeah, I saw that already, bro.”  

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– I find it incredibly unfair that fantasy football scores include stats from overtime.  That makes no sense to me.  It’s not like a real game where both teams are physically on the field during overtime and play exactly the same amount of time.  If you have a QB that gets overtime, then you are basically cheating.  

– That being said, I don’t even care about fantasy football anymore.  It stopped being fun when everyone in the world has immediate access to the same information.  I could literally not pay attention to anything in the off season, not read a single article before the draft, not watch a single game all season, and then follow a few tips along the way and still field a competitive team.  I’ll have you know that I did exactly that this season and my teams are 1-12, 3-10, and 4-9 and I missed the playoffs in all my leagues.  But other than that, I stand by this theory.

– The defensive driving course has periodic checks to see if I am still here.  They use five security questions that are supposed to prove that I am who I say I am.  I hope the CIA uses better security questions to determine identity.  So far, I’ve gotten “What color is your car?” and “Is your a car a sedan or SUV?”  Also, at the beginning of the course, I chose the questions and the answers myself.  

When I Win Powerball Tonight

Just wanted to warn everyone that I’m winning powerball tonight.  It’s $325 million dollars.

Here’s what I’m going to do with my hard earned prize money:

I’m going to ask for it all in quarters.  Then I am going to spend a few hours doing this:

scrooge mcduck money swim Pictures, Images and Photos

Buy a Jeremy Lin jersey.

Buy a bike and park it in an NYC parking garage for $135 a month, and then never ride it.

Move into an apartment or house that is big enough for the stove to be on without the smoke alarm instantly going off.

Register for this and then maybe show up, maybe not.

Hire someone to be solely responsible for responding to questions about technology from my parents.

Upgrade my iPad to an iPad2.

Set up my new pinterest page with photos of my fanning myself with cash.

Start buying the HD version of TV shows from itunes.

Fly somewhere exotic and check an extra bag despite the fee.

Name my future children after colors or fruits.

Join an exclusive golf club and play every day using a new Titleist ProV1 on each hole.  Have my friend Ryan Driscoll caddie for me and not tip him.

Upgrade to PlayStation2.

Go back to Kripalu and stay in the room with a private bath.  Resist strong urges to donate the rest of the money back to Kripalu.  Save enough for deprogramming expenses.

Set up a second DVR so I can watch something reasonable when Anne’s recording The Good Wife and The Closer at the same time.

Buy a second pair of jeans.

Get a reality show about what it’s like to win the lottery and then

Use whatever’s left to buy facebook stock —>  Profit!