SPOILER ALERT — In keeping with the spirit of this post, details of the final round of the British Open Golf Championship may be revealed below. If you plan to watch the final round on DVR and have been avoiding contact with all people, news sources, and internet feeds other than my blog, be warned that you should stop reading now. Thank you for considering my blog irresistible despite those attempts.
Yesterday, my dad and I had a major fight. As is advised in all domestic disputes, I’m turning to the Internet for a speedy and just resolution. My goal is to receive a completely fair and impartial decision, so I will present the story as neutrally as possible.
This dispute involves two individuals: “Person A” and his father, “Person B.” For ease of reference, I’ve selected random names for the two people. I’ll call Person A “SONNY” and Person B “POPS.” On July 22, 2012, Sonny and Pops were playing a round of golf. At the outset of the round, Pops referenced the final round of the British Open Golf Championship. Sonny immediately said, “I’m DVR’ing the final round. I don’t want to know anything about it. I’m really looking forward to watching it when I get home. It would mean a lot to me if you didn’t say anything at all about the tournament. I love golf, and other than playing golf with you, Dad, watching the British Open is my favorite thing in the world.”
After the fifteenth hole, Sonny and Pops were reflecting on their enjoyable round. Sonny said, “Pops, it’s so great to be out here with you on such a beautiful day. We sure are living the good life.” Pops grunted some form of agreement or disagreement. His intent was not clear because while Sonny was thanking his father profusely for the round of golf, Pops was reading the internet on his smartphone, which the country club explicitly bans from use during the round. Sonny then said, “I love you, Pops.” But Pops was too distracted by some fascinating detail on his phone, and he did not respond.
When they reached the sixteenth tee box a short while later, Sonny placed his peg in the ground and began his pre-shot routine. Just as Sonny was about to address his ball and hit an incredibly difficult tee shot, Pops shouted an interruption. ”WAIT!” he screamed out, sending a resounding echo through the hollows of historic Silvermine Golf Club.
Sonny backed off of the ball, already slightly annoyed to be torn from his pre-shot routine. Pops said to the group, “I know you guys don’t want to know anything about the British Open….But….” At this point, Sonny and another member of the foursome protested. ”No, Pops. Don’t tell us anything.” Pops insisted that he was not providing any information that was going to ruin the DVR’ed viewing experience. Sonny, however, was furious about knowing even this small piece of information. In his (most likely correct and supported by the internet) view, Sonny interpreted Pops to mean one of the following things:
- Adam Scott did not win in resounding fashion.
- It was going to get exciting and close at the end of the round.
- Tiger Woods either did something special or something atrocious. (Not in that way, pervs)
- There was a playoff.
Sonny surmised that Pops was going to say, “I know you don’t want to know anything but you’re in for a good show.” He also has known Pops long enough to know that Pops is incapable of having a piece of information he wants to share with you and not sharing it. The second he opened his mouth, I felt like this:
Sonny returned from a great day on the golf links feeling grateful that he got to spend a beautiful day out in nature with his dad. For the next 6-9 hours, he did not move from his position on the couch, except to eat ice cream, which if you have read his blog before you know he struggles with. With just four holes to play, Adam Scott had a commanding lead and was a 98% favorite to win the British Open. But Sonny had an uneasy feeling about Scott’s chances.
Sure enough, Scott went on to bogey the last four holes, and Ernie Els hoisted the trophy. Unfortunately, Pops didn’t even provide the information early enough for Sonny to win $32,000, like this guy did.
So what do you say, Internet? Should Pops have respected the rules of his golf club, not checked his phone, avoided any details about the British Open and not even started to say anything to Sonny? Or should he have waited just a short few hours and allowed Sonny to have a wonderful, spoiler free afternoon of European Golf and then discussed the tournament then?