The Final Word on Mayonnaise.

I fucking loathe you, mayonnaise. Just look at you. You repulse me. The way you can’t decide if you want to be yellow-y white or white-y yellow. That schloop noise you make when you’re suctioned out of your ugly container and the Thwlap of your fatness against a plastic bowl.

The way you congeal white, doughy wonder bread to muted pink bologna. Nothing that does that should exist in the world. Oh, and your egg salad. How dare you? Where do you get the nerve to call yourself a “salad?” Salad is clean, refreshing, crisp, beautiful, and healthy. But you mayonnaise, you’re just slippery, fat, unclean, and appalling. Just look at yourself. Seriously, take one second off from fattening the world and look in the mirror. Now imagine your most beautiful form. What did you come up with? Something like this?

is grossI mean, ew. I couldn’t come up with a less appetizing looking food if the only ingredients I had were ketchup and diarrhea. And that picture is the internet trying to make you and your egg salad look the best. Congratulations, that’s the best you’ll ever look. I may not be beautiful, but at least I can go to the gym and work on it. Yet, I can’t stop staring at your enormous gobs of yoke and white mushed together with clumps of mayonnaise.

I don’t even have to smell the egg-y cold fatness emanating from the plastic “jar” of Hellman’s to feel the vomit gurgle up through the lower regions of my esophagus. There it hangs, waiting for my brain to remind it that I’m just looking at a picture so that the vomit retreats. But it remains wary, waiting to eject should the egg salad attack my digestive system.

But it’s not the egg salad that bothers me the most. I know that egg salad is mayonnaise. I’ve learned that “aioli” is just a trick word you use to make yourself seem more exotic. I’ve discovered that spinach artichoke dip should really be called “choke on a tub of mayonnaise dip.”

It’s the way you infiltrate other seemingly normal foods that infuriates me the most. Take honey mustard for instance. What a nice name for a food. What a beautiful combination of sweet and spicy, of brown and yellowish brown, of condiment and dessert. Honey-mustard is almost un-fuck-up-able. Well, did you know that many delis add mayonnaise to this sweet concoction? I bet you didn’t because you’re a disgusting mayonnaise whore. But I did. Because I am a mayonnaise sleuth who can feel that slimy oil/eggyoke concoction sliding down my throat and settling into a lump on the pit of my stomach, where it sits, constantly reminding me that the world is out to get me.

Sure, I know what you’ll say, mayonnaise. You and your defenders will tell me that I should just chill out and deal with you. That I should wipe you off with a napkin, and my meal will be good as new. But we both know that doesn’t work. Because you’re more powerful than napkins or paper towels. Yes, I’ve used a Bounty quicker picker upper to remove poisonous poisons from the floor of my important. The kind that come with warnings that “one must wear gloves to avoid this poison burning through your skin and eviscerating your intestines.” But I wiped them right up with a little flick of the wrist. But you mayonnaise, you somehow turn paper towel into a translucent film of ick and wind up on my fingers where your remnants remain for days.

So fuck you mayonnaise. I hate your face.

Fuck you mayo - A cartoon by Rob Pollak

 

 

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24 thoughts on “The Final Word on Mayonnaise.

  1. It’s like you are inside my head. You have said everything that I have wanted to say to people when they ask how I could hate Mayo!!! I’m going to just send them this link everytime the conversation comes up (which is suprisingly often).

  2. I didn’t know there were grownups who felt this way. I am a mayo defender. I put it in my honey mustard. I spread it on my sandwiches. I make tuna salad, and chicken salad, and pimiento cheese with it. I am a mayo lover. But I felt the same way as you about it when I was seven. 🙂

  3. This is the worst thing you’ve ever written. Mayo God have mercy on your soul.

    P.S. West of the Mississippi Hellman’s is called “Best Foods,” so maybe for your west coast readers you should make a “Worst Foods” label drawing too so they don’t feel left out.

  4. This was hysterical. Honestly I laughed out loud while reading it for the first time. I reposted it to friend’s walls. You are a funny dude. I just want to know how and why you used paper towels to wipe up poisonous poisons from the floor of your important. Puzzling.

  5. I love mayo. Esp. that “shrimp” sauce at the japanese place. Mmmmmm.
    My husband also thinks mayo is gross but has no problem eating bologna. This is his greatest contradiction. Bologna is way grosser than mayo.
    Also, I love your illustration on this one.

    • bologna is less gross than mayo because you can’t secretly add bologna to things that shouldn’t have bologna in them. It’s the secrecy of mayo that infuriates me the most.

  6. I found this article after being EXTREMELY pissed off about the deli putting mayo on my sandwich. For the third time in a row. After I specifically said “NO MAYO” repeatedly. Wiping it off does nothhing. It’s already soaked into the bread. And they have to put it on BOTH pieces of bread too. Fuck mayo. Fuck it. Anyone who likes mayo deserves to have their tongue torn out. No one with a palate more advanced than a 5 year old or an obese piece of trailer trash could possibly enjoy mayo. They deserve to be destroyed. With fire. It is the single most appaling substance on earth. An affront to man and God. Thank you for speaking the truth.

    • OMG i love you. This blog is a year old, but I was just assaulted by my sandwich and nearly started crying at work because my pastrami was ruined. I made a bulleted list of exactly what was to be on the sandwich before I gave to the moron, uh, person picking up the food (conspirator, I’m sure. Never send a mayo lover to pick up your food). WHO PUTS VILE MAYO ON PASTRAMI?!! This shit shouldn’t exist in the first place, but that’s another rant for another day. Of course, my coworkers tell me to wipe it off…you can’t! It is impossible. I tried to take a bite after dousing w/ extra mustard, hoping I succeeded in removing every trace, but it permeated through each layer of bread, even destroying the damned tomato…Thank you, I needed to find someone who could empathize with me. Although this is an old article and you will probably never see my reply, it is encouraging to know others exist like me 🙂

  7. OMG i love you. This blog is a year old, but I was just assaulted by my sandwich and nearly started crying at work because my pastrami was ruined. I made a bulleted list of exactly what was to be on the sandwich before I gave to the moron, uh, person picking up the food (conspirator, I’m sure. Never send a mayo lover to pick up your food). WHO PUTS VILE MAYO ON PASTRAMI?!! This shit shouldn’t exist in the first place, but that’s another rant for another day. Of course, my coworkers tell me to wipe it off…you can’t! It is impossible. I tried to take a bite after dousing w/ extra mustard, hoping I succeeded in removing every trace, but it permeated through each layer of bread, even destroying the damned tomato…Thank you, I needed to find someone who could empathize with me. Although this is an old article and you will probably never see my reply, it is encouraging to know others exist like me 🙂

  8. Mayo is the most disgusting invention ever. I keep extra-bread for when it gets put on my sandwiches. I have to turn on hot water and wash the meat and veggies. Hot water is the only thing that gets rid of it.

    My meals at thanksgiving consist of turkey and bread thanks to the crappy mayo casseroles my family makes.

  9. I can’t agree more. I genuinely view mayonnaise lovers as inferior beings and I will not apologise for it.

    It’s a vile gloopy obesity causing taste bud killer that has somehow found it’s way into every fucking food on the planet. Fuck you mayo. Fuck you.

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