Look, we can argue for days on end about whether Maya Angelou is real or not and whether her prediction about the end of the world is correct, but I’m not taking any chances. So like I always do when the apocalypse is upon us, I’m going to use the upcoming end of days as a chance to air some grievances and get some important things off my chest.
So in order of importance, these are the things I need to say before the world ends (FYI – May contain SPOILERS):
1) I wish I had participated in Movember at least once. As a hairy beast, I probably could have grown an epic mustache. Instead, we can just look at this fake mustache I wore to a bachelor party and imagine what could have been. Oh, the possibilities.
On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t ever do that again.
2) Homeland season 2 disappointed the hell out of me. There were moments when I thought it was amazing, but in the end, I found the relationship between Carrie and Brody to be completely unbelievable. They just don’t love each other. They don’t. You can’t give me a plausible story line where she actually falls in love with a guy that was going to blow up anything in the US.
Also, I usually believe everything on TV to be real. Like Anne and I will be watching an episode of the smurfs, and I’ll be like, “Hey Anne, we should go to Smurf Village for vacation,” and then she’ll explain to me that it’s not a real place. And after a few minutes, I’ll be like, “oooohhhhh. I totally should have smurfing known that. I guess that’s why they’re blue and all have the same last name. It doesn’t add up. You’re so smart and dreamy, Anne.” Yet with Homeland, just about everything seemed implausible to me. For instance:
3) It would have been nice if the end of the world could have come after the holidays. I was really looking forward to some epic presents this year. Anne, if you’re reading this and we make it through the weekend, though you might want to have a looksy at this picture I found on the internet:
Obviously I haven’t gotten Anne a present yet. Mostly because I don’t want to be wasteful if the Mayans were right. But I also would have already accidentally told her about her gift, so I am forcing myself to wait until the last minute.
4) New York Road Runners just emailed me and said that because they canceled the marathon, I can get automatic entry into next year’s marathon. Debating whether I should disregard that option so I don’t let myself down or take the option and ensure that the world ends. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. I wonder if they are going to black ball me because I canceled my entry before they canceled the marathon. I should pounce before someone realizes that mistake. If their past actions are predictive, then someone will notice in about 2027.
5) Most of the time, I think I’m pretty awesome, but then I see something like this and realize that I am very pedestrian. If someone followed me around and took lots of photographs, they would see almost entirely:
and then an occasional binge of this:
6) Speaking of binging . . . People who have watched all of Breaking Bad – Is it worth marathoning the rest of it this weekend? I’m midway through Season 3 and I need to know if I’d be disappointed to get to heaven and find out that they tell you spoilers there.
7) My defensive driving course paid off big time! I believe that’s all I should say about the matter. Actually, I have no idea how much I should or shouldn’t say about the matter. Screw you, law school!
8) To Anne, my family, and my loyal readers: I don’t tell you enough that I love you, but I do. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I tell Anne that all the time. Like All the time. I love you, Anne. There. I said it again. In fact, up until that sentence, this post was the longest I ever went without telling Anne that I love her. I’ve even commemorated her in epic video fashion. I hope she reads this, but it’s 50-50. She’s a late adopter of the internet.
But to everyone else, I sincer-iously love you all very much. Thanks for keeping me creative. If you love me back, note that I measure your love through clicks, likes, and various other statistical measures. So please press that little like button (or go to http://www.facebook.com/PollakComplains). I don’t know why it makes me feel so good when someone likes something, but it makes my heart aflutter each and every time it happens. Here’s a diagram of how to make my heart aflutter:
If I can repay you in any way through stick figure art, I would be honored to do so. I understand the gap between how I perceive the awesomeness of my blog:
And how you do:
Happy holidays, world!
I’m starting to second guess my strategy of buying gifts in July. If the world is going to end tomorrow I wasted a considerable amount of time on gifts for people I will never see again.
If the world doesn’t end, I think we will all look forward to an epic Movember 2013.
Lol, hilarious stuff!
I’ll be happy to take any gifts you need to get off your hands.