A transcript of every interview on TV right now

Studio Anchor: It’s getting bad out there folks. For an eyewitness account, let’s head out to our roving reporter live from the boardwalk.
Field Reporter: I’m coming to you live from INSIDE THE OCEAN. The wind is literally blowing my eyes out of my skull. I can’t see you. Please go home.
Studio Anchor: Looks bad out there. We’re hearing that some people are ignoring the calls to leave town. Is that true?
Field Reporter: It is true. I’m joined by [Insert name of local moron] who decided to stay. Sir, tell us why you would be so stupid as to stand out here in the rain and wind?
Roving Idiot: I’ve braved the conditions before. I want to protect my home.
Field Reporter: Don’t you know how dangerous it is out here? The mayor just said that if you don’t leave, you’re doing so at your own peril.
Roving Idiot: I stayed during Hurricane Irene.
Field Reporter: And they’re telling us that they can’t physically force people to leave town, but folks, please heed these warnings. It’s getting bad here.
Roving Idiot: Be safe everyone.
Field Reporter: Thank you! Everyone please be safe and if at all possible, head to dry land. It’s almost certain death if you stay here. Back to you in the studio. This is [FIELD REPORTER] reporting from the eye of the storm. I’ll be back here live all day despite my warnings that if you do the same thing it’s at your peril and you will die and there is literally no way that an emergency vehicle can get here to save you.
Studio Anchor: Thanks, Bob. Stay safe out there.

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