March 31 will mark the amazing five-year anniversary of my marriage to Anne. So in recognition of her tremendous patience, perseverance, tolerance, patience, devotion, sense of humor, patience, and ability to see the potential in others, we will be taking a celebratory trip to Jamaica.
To commemorate this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to do something extra special for Anne. That’s right, I intend to remove my shirt in public for the first time since forced to pass a mandatory swim test on my first day of college. Because I work best when instructed to follow an explicit set of rules, I enacted Operation: Jamaican Me Healthy, a ten-step plan designed to help me and others achieve the perfect beach bod.
Operation: Jamaican Me Healthy (patent pending)
Step 1: Take a photo of yourself and identify any potential areas for improvement:
Step 2: Reduce the number of meals eaten at shake shack from 5 to 3 per week.
Step 3: Increase the amount of exercise from none times per week to at least 6 times per day.
Step 4: Think of as many “Jamaican me” jokes as you can. Use them at least once per conversation. Pray that despite step 4 you still make it to that elusive five year anniversary.
Step 5: If you see, smell, hear, touch, bathe in, or otherwise come into contact with ice cream, repeat step 4.
Step 6: No alcohol except for Red Stripe and rum punch.
Step 7: Watch The Biggest Loser and Cool Runnings every week.
Step 8: At the end of each day, stand shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror and flex your muscles. If Anne anyone knocks on the door and asks “what are you doing in there? Everything ok” respond with, “Sorry. That healthy dinner I had tonight must have ja-made my stomach upset.” Then remind yourself that “jamaican me” jokes don’t work as well in the past tense, flex three more times, flush the toilet to complete the story you were selling, and get a good night’s sleep.
Step 9: If the first eight steps are not jamaican you as ripped as you hoped to be, seek extensive lipo or other forms of plastic surgery.
Step 10: Remove your shirt, retake your photo, and witness your amazing transformation from step 1: