I know a lot of people are freaking about the new Facebook Timeline feature. Count me among them. But my freakout is more personal. I’m terrified that the world is going to learn everything about me going back to my birth. As my golf coach used to say, “the best defense is a good offense.” So, before you get to see my profile, I thought I’d get out ahead of the curve and tell you some things that you’ll find out soon enough:
- I was on the golf team. It was the coolest thing I did in high school.
- When I was a baby, I had 33 chins.
- I dropped those chins in high school. Mostly because my sophomore year I only ate Snapple.
- I once posted a status update that read: “Wow, this new Emeril sitcom is great. Everyone should watch it! BAM!”
- The chins returned in college.
- I drove a blue jetta that everyone thought was purple:
- (not my actual ride)
- That with all of the changes, the thing I am most worried about is that people will see how disgusting some of my Seamless orders are.
- In 10th grade, I accidentally locked myself in my room and was rescued by a team of firefighters. During the rescue, my biggest concern was whether I would be on time to marching band practice.